


Resonate

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Sixth Form, Background yumikuri and reibert, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Parties, Queerplatonic springles, Slight eremika - Freeform, Ukuleles, coming out issues, slow build up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-22
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 00:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 31,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1585424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Learning how to play the ukulele is a lot more difficult when the person teaching you is Marco Bodt. Trust me on this.</p><p>A story about a whole bunch of parties and misunderstandings as Marco Bodt 'The Ladies' Man' tries to teach Jean Kirschtein 'The Drama Queen' the ukulele and they try to find out if they really are on such different wavelengths after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Jean pretends he isn't affected by peer pressure.

As a species we have this idea that everyone has something special about them, that we’re an unruly mass of uniqueness. Some people find out what makes them special early on in their lives, while others have hidden talents that remain buried for years, sometimes even centuries.

As a child and long into my teen years I didn’t share this vision. I carried on with my life, never achieving anything worth mentioning yet not really failing dramatically either. It wasn’t because I didn’t try, but more because being just short of the top doesn’t get you noticed. I ended up feeling that life was just a thing that happened and I wasn’t fated with any unique talents or skills that would set me apart from every other human that had the pleasure, or misfortune, of existing.

Somewhere along the lines though, my take on life changed, shifted slightly. It would be foolish and just plain wrong of me to claim this shift happened all at once, but there were certain events and a select group of people that made it happen. I still struggle to believe there’s anything special about me personally, but I’ve been able to appreciate the things about other people that make them special and, little by little, they’ve helped me appreciate things about myself too.

The first real ‘life shifting’ event started with a choice at the start of my second year of sixth form, the last year of mandatory school. Now, the thing with choices is that they are sneaky things. They can seem harmless, meaningless even, but really they have a far more significant impact than we can ever truly know.

 

* * *

 

It was only the second week of the first term and I’d already got into the habit of arriving late to school. I almost enjoyed arriving without the normal hustle and bustle. The only times I didn’t want to punch everyone in sight was when I walked around during lesson time when nobody was about, when it was like a ghost town. I guess that was the real problem with school, it was just so _noisy_.

I had to steel myself to enter my tutor room as the chatter from the group was loud from outside. Maybe it was just because I wasn’t a morning person that I struggled with the noise. Maybe I wasn’t a day person at all and should just become a vampire, except, preferably without the blood sucking and stupid capes.

“Good morning Jean!” Sasha greeted ever so brightly. I mumbled back a reply and sat down, leaning my chair back against the wall.

“Kirschtein, sit down properly,” Mr Smith thundered from the other side of the room. I almost fell off my seat trying to set the chair on the floor. Sasha giggled and I glared at her. This, of course, didn’t help in the slightest.

“Goodness Jean, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to swing back on your chair?” Connie asked with a snigger.

“Don’t bring my mother into this.” I snapped back. Connie looked like he was going to make some sort of ‘momma’s boy’ joke but Sasha cut in.

“So Jean, we have to choose our elective by the end of today, maybe you should think about trying meditation.” A stupid grin was plastered over her face as she pointed to the description in the booklet. For those of you not in the loop: ‘electives’ are non-academic activities we are obliged to do, normally on a Wednesday afternoon, as part of being in the school sixth form. At the beginning of each term we get given a booklet to fill in with our top three choices and you cross your fingers there are enough spaces so you don’t end up in subject support helping out with the loud mouthed, year nine, bottom set maths class. Last year I ended up volunteering at the local nature reserve and it was actually pretty cool. However the idea of sitting in a room being told when to breathe in and out while people around me fell asleep didn’t sound as much fun.

“Hey Sasha, did you see this on the last page?” Connie asked as he showed her the page in his booklet. “We should totally do this.”

“Yeah, that sounds awesome!” They high fived to emphasise how truly ‘awesome’ whatever it was, was. Maybe there was some elective where you went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant and stuffed your face. I turned to the last page to see what they were so hyped about and my eyes immediately fell on the words ‘Ukulele Club’. I looked up with an obvious look of disdain on my face to see Connie and Sasha grinning at me like they’d just agreed on the perfect way to cook me. I glanced back down at the page and when I looked back up they were both nodding their heads.

“Oh no,” I said backing my chair up against the wall clutching the booklet to my chest.

“Oh yes, Jean.” Connie said getting out of his seat. I knew what they were planning to do.

“You know you want to,” Sasha agreed, inching towards me menacingly. I checked the clock on the wall and thanked some unknown deity above that it had just gone nine o’clock.

“Yeah-maybe-sorry-gotta-go-to-my-lesson,” I said as I practically ran out of the room, booklet still clenched in my hand. Jesus Christ, those two could be real scary when they wanted to be. I cursed as I heard their laughter ringing out behind me like a pack of cackling hyenas.

I let out a deep sigh and forced myself to slow my breathing down. My heart was slamming against my ribcage in a way that made my chest ache.

Now you might be wondering what was so wrong with joining the ukulele club. What could have possibly instigated such a severe reaction? Well, I hate to disappoint you, but it wasn’t because I was awful at music. In fact, I used to have guitar lessons- and hell, I even studied Music at AS level. I was in no way bad at music.

The real reason was far more complicated, way sadder and has to do with a guy. To understand my disdain you need to know that in the little description box there was the name of the person running the elective... and that name was ‘Marco Bodt’.  
Most people know him as a player, a real ladies man, but I know it’s all a front. _He’d_ _know_ I know, too, if it weren’t for the fact that he was extremely drunk when I found out. I’m probably the only person who knows, because I think that part of him is hidden so deep inside of him even _he_ doesn’t know.

By instinct I had ended up at my locker in the small hallway under the stairs where I took one last look at the description in the booklet in the dim light before shoving it in the bottom of my bag and ungracefully dropping my maths book on top. I had a lesson to get to. I couldn’t be dwelling on it right now.

 

* * *

 

Do you know how to graph the modulus of a function? Great! Me too! In fact I’ve known how to for about a week now. The whole class already knows how to do this and yet Mr Pixis seems to think it’s necessary to go over it another time. Make that twenty more times. It was inevitable that my mind would start drifting- I was bored out of my mind, so you’ve got to cut me some slack. I was thinking about that goddamned booklet sitting in the bottom of my bag and the choice I had to make. Whether I stay away from him or not, whether I could break the promise to myself by making up excuses, and whether I could stand to lie about the reason I was going. It was going to be fun, I was going to expand my interests _and_ I was going to get to spend more time hanging out with Connie and Sasha. There were a whole list of bullshit reasons I could tell myself- but that didn’t make the idea any less shitty.

I was knocked back to reality by Reiner hissing my name.

“Kirschtein.” I looked at him and he nodded his head at Mr Pixis who was looking impatiently at me.

“Uh,” I hadn’t caught a word he’d said for the last ten minutes and there was no way I knew what he’d just asked.

“The inequality, Mr Kirschtein, care to solve it for us?” He threw the white board pen at me and I caught it just before it whacked me in the face. I looked at the equation on the board then back to Reiner. Reiner was grinning because he knew I was about to make a fool of myself- and that’s exactly what I did.

 

* * *

 

“C’mon Jean, we’ve all been laughed at in class before.” Armin consoled me. “It was your own fault for not paying attention.”

“Hey, I wasn’t the only one!” I snapped back, crossing my arms defensively. “I just didn’t realise he’d moved on from those dumb graphs.”

“Yeah, Mr Pixis sure does love his graphs. I’m so glad he’s not my teacher anymore.” Armin said with a noticeable sigh of relief. Yeah well, it’s alright for him. He’s in the further Maths class made up of just him and Annie.

“How is further maths going anyway?” I asedk. He rubbed at his eye absentmindedly and ran a hand through his shaggy blond hair before discerning the best answer to give me.

“It’s fine.” He answered shortly before waving to Mikasa who he’d spotted on the other side of the common room. He turned back to me and hurriedly said his goodbye. “I’ve got to go, see you Jean.”

“Yeah, bye.” I mumbled to the Armin shaped space left behind. I quickly scanned the room but Connie and Sasha were nowhere to be seen. I was stuck between standing around awkwardly and sitting down alone even more awkwardly.

I was about to go over and follow where Armin had gone, even if it meant putting up with Eren for a bit, when Reiner approached me.

“Hey Jean!” He grinned as he slapped me on the back. “I’ve been meaning to ask you about my party.”

“What’s the occasion?” I asked, pretending his slap was but a gentle breeze as opposed to the bone crunching wallop it actually was.

“In a fortnight this Friday, my parents are going away on a holiday to Paris for the weekend so I’ve got a free house,” he explained. “Free house means I’ve got to throw a party, right?”

“Uh, yeah, sounds cool,” I said with a hesitant nod, “bit early to give notice if it’s just a house party though.”

“I know you need notice on these kinds of things. Got to give you time to work on your parents.” Reiner teased. “You barely got to come to any parties last year! I still don’t know what you’re like when you’re drunk.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. I went to one and that caused enough drama to sustain me for the rest of my school life, thank you very much.

“So you’ll come, right?”

I paused for a moment. He looked really eager for me to come which was just... weird. I wasn’t exactly close with Reiner, and I couldn’t figure out what his motives were. Reiner was a nice guy so I was fairly certain he wasn’t trying to get me to go to a party for any sort of malicious reason. There was still one problem though.

“Well, my dad’s going to be in Australia on a business trip around then, would I be able to stay over?” I asked because I knew my mum wouldn’t be keen to pick me up any later than half ten, which would make it pointless to even go in the first place.

“Sure!” Reiner slapped me on the back again. “We can have a good old sleepover.”

“Yeah,” I wheezed. Reiner chuckled and started to take his leave.

“Alright, see you later man.” He gave me a small wave as he walked over to join Bert and Annie. “And don’t forget to ask your parents!”

“I won’t!” I said, despite the fact that there was no way Reiner would be able to hear me over the din of the common room as he walked away. Going to a party where nothing crazy was going to happen would be good for me. I could probably do with being a bit more outgoing. At least, that’s what my mum thinks.

I scanned the common room again to find Connie and Sasha had magically materialised in our usual spot. Those two have been making a habit of sneaking past me.

“Where’ve you guys been?” I asked as I sat down with them, the overpowering smell of pizza making me salivate. They both had to swallow their current mouthfuls before being able to reply.

“Zoë kept us in late for Biology,” Connie said, before taking another handful of crisps.

“You know once they start off on one they don’t really know how to stop,” Sasha said with a shrug, “And then, when we did get here, you were busy talking to Reiner.”

“Yeah,” Connie said, “what was that about?”

I deliberated whether to tell them or not. I didn’t think I needed to give them another thing to badger me about, but if I told them about this it could stop them asking me about the stupid ukulele club.

“He’s going to have a party in a few weeks, and thought he should give me notice so I could work on my parents.” I explained. “He’ll probably tell everyone else about it next week sometime.”

“Oh cool!” Sasha exclaimed. “Reiner always throws great parties.”

Connie nodded but then the conversation lulled as I sat there waiting for them to finish their snacks. It was only break but Sasha still had several slices of pizza which she quickly demolished. She always managed to surprise me with fast she ate everything and anything.

“So, Jean,” she said, with the most innocent look possible on her face, “Have you chosen your elective yet?”

“Have you?” I quickly countered.

“We had a free first thing this morning so we’ve already handed the forms in.” Connie interjected with a smug grin.

“Let me take a wild guess, you both picked that damn ukulele thing?”

“Now, now Jean, don’t be like that.” Connie wagged his finger at me. “We all know you’re going to pick it anyway, so I don’t know why you keep on trying to deny it.”

“And besides,” Sasha said with knowing smirk, “Marco’s running it, and he’s really cute.”

I gave them a moment or two to take it back, but when the only thing they did was pass a look between them I could feel the weight of my eyebrows bearing down on my eyes as they fell into a scowl.

“All the more reason _not_ to go!” I hissed as I stood up from my seat.

“Oh, c’mon Jean, we were only teasing,” Sasha whined with a pout.

“I’ve got some homework I need to do,” I mumbled before leaving them to their stupid jokes. I didn’t even make it to a study room before the bell went signalling the end of break. I rubbed my face with my hand, stretching my skin as it dragged down past my eye. I did a 180 degree spin to go back to my locker and get my biology text book out.

I had a free period after biology so I made a resolution to fill out this damn form to stop those friends of mine from bugging me so incessantly. I had no idea what to choose. Maybe I could find something that could give me a better outlet for this pent up... whatever it is, churning around inside of me.

I found myself a secluded part of one of the study rooms and quickly skimmed through my options, finding there was a running club which fit the bill, so that was my first choice done and dusted before I even had the chance to think about anything. I decided to use working on the nature reserve as my plan B, because it was better than meditation, but that just left the third spot empty.

I looked through the booklet again a couple more times in the vain hope that something would leap out at me but nothing took my interest. Not a single damn thing.

I found myself leaving the last page open staring at the form and trying my hardest not to let my gaze wonder to that name I knew was there, just a glance to the left.

My stomach flipped as I once again relived the memory of that night. I didn’t mean to find him alone like that. It was a mistake but before I even knew what was going on he was leaning so close to me. Our breath was mingling together and I could count every freckle on his face and-

_Shit, shit, shit._

I felt like I was going to be sick. I covered my mouth with my hand and forced myself to take one deep breath after another. I looked around in hopes no one was watching me and only then, when I was sure everyone else was too caught up in their own business, did I feel safe enough to slowly uncover my mouth and take several more deep breaths.

I hadn’t felt this bad in a long time. I hadn’t thought about him so much in such a long time.

I saw him around school, of course, but I did my best to blur him in my mind. All of this crap was messing everything up.

I shook my head to try and clear my thoughts. Why was I reacting so badly? Fear? Fear of what? I’m Jean Kirschtein and I’m not fucking afraid of anything. I hesitated with my pen held aloft for a moment before hurriedly scribbling my third and final choice down. The only thing left to do was hand in the form to reception and hope that my flicker of courage would prove unnecessary after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the only AU I could come up with where Marco doesn't die. So instead I've ended up with the fluffiest plot I've ever imagined but don't think that means it's devoid of drama!  
> Thanks to JustSomeone for proof reading!


	2. A Realisation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where, despite Jean's best efforts, he still ends up sat next to him.

“Ugh, I hate chemistry,” Connie moaned loudly as we finished marking our latest tests. There was a murmur of laughter and agreement from some of the other students in the class. I swear I tried not to look at his mark as he wrote it at the top followed by a frowny face, but the glaring 9 out of a total of 32 on his paper was hard to ignore.

“Did you revise at all?” I hissed.

“Uh, maybe a bit?” Connie replied with a nervous laugh. He looked away from me and scratched his head before turning back to me. “What did you get, Sir-Smug-a-lot?”

“It doesn’t matter!” I snapped, as I quickly slid my test into some random place in my file. “And calling me smug-a-lot doesn’t even make sense.”

“Mm-hmm.” He hummed in a way that set my teeth on edge. “You’re going to have to tell Miss Ral anyway, so I don’t know why you’re trying to be so secretive you doofus.”

“Shut up, moron.”

As if on cue, our teacher, the aforementioned Miss Ral, started to ask people for their test scores, translating it to a grade in case we hadn’t bothered to work out the percentage ourselves.

“Jean, could I have your test score please?” Miss Ral asked from her desk at the front.

“25.” I said it with no trace of emotion. I think. Well, I hoped so at least.

“That’s a B, well done Jean.” Miss Ral said encouragingly, but all I focused on is the stupid grin Connie was sporting.

“Connie?” Miss Ral asked. Connie didn’t look away from me as he answered.

“I got 9, which is a U grade.”

I heard Miss Ral tutting under her breath before telling us that we can leave, but Connie still had that dumb grin slapped over his face.

“What is your deal?” I poked him in the chest. He looked away and started to pack up his things, but his smile didn’t fade.

“I’m just amused by how worked up you get over things like this, I guess,” Connie said with a chuckle. “Getting upset even when you get a pretty good grade because it’s just not enough. I dunno, I just find it funny.”

I gave him a snort in reply and we walked out of the classroom.

“Are you saying my life is a joke to you?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“What?” Connie stopped in his tracks with his face contorted in confusion. I didn’t wait for him as I left the science block, but it wasn’t long until I heard his footsteps as he ran to catch up with me.

“Man, you’ve been in a real strop recently- like, worse than usual. Is something wrong?” I scowled at his words but didn’t answer. “Look, if I really hurt your feelings or whatever, then I’m sorry. Just tell me why you’ve got your panties in a twist.”

We walked in silence as I waited for my anger to dissipate. We’d gotten to my locker before I managed to say anything. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath before figuring out how to respond.

“I’m fine,” I said with a humourless laugh. “Sorry.”

“Well if you’re sure.” Connie leaned against the lockers. It wasn’t long before a smile came back to his lips and I was going to ask him what was amusing him _this_ time, but when I looked back up from my locker he was gone. I turned back to my locker to check I had the right books but then someone called out to me.

“Hey Jean!”

My heart stopped for a beat. It wasn’t him. He wasn’t talking to me. There must be some other person named Jean in this god-forsaken school. There’s no way-

“Uh, Jean?”

I choked on my own saliva in surprise. I tried not to cough, but that made my eyes water and my diaphragm spasm in retaliation.

“Yes?” I wheezed. Blinking through the water in my eyes, I finally forced myself to look at the person who had approached me.

“Are you okay?” I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

“Well, I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you’ll be in my ukulele club.” He said with an unfailing smile and a hand running through his hair. “I feel like it’s been so long since we had a chance to talk, and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s going to be loads of fun, don’t you think?”

His words were like a whirlwind coiling around me that whipped away my ability to think. I was in the ukulele club? But… I had only put it as my third choice. How had this happened?

“Great,” I managed to say with my head spinning.

“Alright, see you around!” He said cheerfully. And, just like that, he was gone again. I stood in front of my locker barely even breathing, my eyes glazing out of focus, before I abruptly turned back the way I’d just come.

Not only was Miss Ral a chemistry teacher, she had also volunteered herself for the seemingly ungratifying task of sorting out the electives for us. I must have somehow slipped though her system. This was all just a big mistake. I kept repeating that to myself the whole walk back to the science block- and I almost started believing it too. When I got there, I slammed the door to Miss Ral’s classroom open, but it was empty.

“Did you forget something Jean?” The kindly voice of Miss Ral drifted over to me from the other end of the corridor.

“Yes!” I answered instinctively before mentally slapping myself in the face. “I mean no! Uh...”

“Did you want to ask me about the test or something?”

“I wanted to ask you about the electives, Miss.” I tried to put on a serious face, but the whole debacle had left my brain scattered. “I was curious as to why I ended up with my third choice.”

“Oh! Um, what were your other choices?”

“My first one was the running club?”

“Ah yes.” She nodded with a sudden sense of comprehension of my situation. “I’m afraid you were the only person who opted for it, and well... we couldn’t really have you running on your own now, could we?”

“I guess.” My shoulders slumped but I pressed on with my questioning. “But what about the nature reserve? There were plenty of people doing that last year.”

“Indeed,” She said solemnly. “I’m afraid that one isn’t running due to some, uh, staffing issues.”

I was tempted to pry into that further but it didn’t exactly look like it would be an effective course of action.

“Okay, thanks,” I mumbled, because obviously that would be far more effective.

“If you have any issues with your choices-”

“No, it’s fine.” I sighed.

“I was _going_ to say if you managed to get, say, three or four more people to switch to the running club by the end of the week, I’d be more than happy to let it run.”

“Really?” Holy shit, there is a way out of this! She nodded with an amused smile. “Thanks, Miss, see you tomorrow!”

“I’m glad I could help!” she said as we both went our separate ways.

Finding enough people to join in three days wasn’t going to be easy, but there was no way in hell I was going to give up without a fight.

 

* * *

 

“C’mon Mikasa, I’m begging you.” I whined as pathetically as I could stomach.

“I said no, Jean.” She dismissed me the same way as always, except this time I wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“ _Pretty_ please.” I tried again. “You know you’d enjoy it. Hell, I see you running around town all the time.”

“That’s precisely why I don’t need to join a club,” she insisted. I sighed to try and evoke some sympathy but Mikasa clearly wasn’t buying it. I surveyed the hall for my next victim- um, I mean _friend-_ and happened to see a flash of blonde hair heading in this direction.

“Hey Annie!” I called out as she walked past me. She turned to look at me with that evil death glare she always cheerily sports. “Want to join the running club?”

“And spend every Wednesday embarrassing you?” She asked in mock disbelief. “I have better ways to waste my time, Kirschtein. Besides I’m looking forward to the ukulele club.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t need help from a bitch like you!” I shouted after her. “As if you could beat me anyway, Annie!”

Annie half turned to flip me off before sauntering away. I hadn’t expected Annie to be the musical type. Had Marco even managed to fool her with his magical charm?

“You’re not going to get anyone to join if you talk to them like that,” Mikasa said gravely.

“I don’t think I had much of a chance to start with.” I laughed self-deprecatingly. I’d known this would prove a fruitless exercise. The only real friends I had would outright refuse to join because they’ve already signed up that damn ukulele club.

“Why is this so important to you, Jean?” Mikasa asked with a sudden glint of interest in her dark eyes.

“No reason.” I quickly answered. “I just think it would be neat to be in a running club.”

“Neat?” She repeated with incredulity. I nodded vigorously, and though she still didn’t seem to believe me she thankfully decided to let it go. “Okay, Jean, whatever you say.”

 

* * *

 

I trudged up the hill to the music block. I hadn’t been to this side of the school since last year and the block was looking kind of worn out compared to the new building it had been back then. Damp blotches of something I didn’t want to look to closely at had begun to grow over the once disgustingly bright orange paint and some of the paint on the window frames had already begun to peel.

My mission to avoid this place had failed miserably. No one was even vaguely interested in joining me in the running club. Even nervous Bert wouldn’t be swayed on the matter. At least the inside of the building was warm compared to the late autumn air.

I stood by the entrance for a moment to try and calm my nerves. Why on Earth was I nervous? I think it was the thought of what memories would be uncovered if I entered that room. _He’s going to be there,_ my mind had the gracious tact of reminding me over and over. He was going to be there and I was probably going to have to talk to him again. That brief conversation where he had sprung the news that I was a part of this club had been bad enough; I could only begin to imagine how awful the whole thing was going to be this time. Especially with Connie and Sasha wearing the smug grins I knew they were going to be sporting.

“It doesn’t fucking matter!” I hissed at the train wreck of thoughts racing through my head. Unfortunately some kid lugging a large music case on their back decided to walk in at that moment, so I smiled nervously to try and convey the fact I wasn’t actually crazy. It didn’t work and the kid bolted. Can’t really blame them- I wouldn’t trust my smile either.

I wiped my eyes distractedly. That kid had diverted my attention away from the matter at hand for a couple of seconds, but now I was back to staring at the door in front of me. Before I could begin to think too much again, I barged the door to music room three open with just a bit too much force.

Inside was a crooked circle of chairs and music stands with a box full of ukuleles in black, sagging cases in the centre. Marco, who was running the club, was surrounded by some girls giggling as he played something that sounded suspiciously like ‘when I’m cleaning windows’. There were a couple of other people sat in the chairs. I saw Connie and Sasha, but they hadn’t noticed me and were talking animatedly to each other about god only knows what. I stood awkwardly in the doorway as I fought the temptation to turn my ass right around and get out of there- but then I locked eyes with ladies-man-Marco.

“Jean!” he called out with a horribly bright smile as the girls made their way to their own seats, “I’m so glad you could make it! Please help yourself to one of the ukuleles and sit yourself down wherever you like.”

I didn’t reply as I hesitantly took the ukulele that looked the least beaten up of the three that were left. It was then that I noticed the only seat left was next to Sasha. That wasn’t the problem- it was just that it was also the seat the other side of Marco. A string of swear words ran through my mind as I sat down, trying to position myself so that I was discreetly facing away from Marco.

“Hey, Jean,” Sasha greeted with a smile of victory, “I didn’t know you’d chosen this elective.”

I shrugged to try and make it seem like it was no big deal that I was here, but the giggle Sasha shared with Connie about her little comment really wasn’t helping me relax.

“So guys, welcome to the ukulele club!” Marco announced making me jump “I’m Marco, as most of you know, and I think I know most of you, but how about we go around the circle and you introduce yourselves anyway?”

The row of girls introduced themselves one by one. There was Mina, Hitch, Hannah…

“I’m Christa,” a blonde haired girl opposite Marco said. I recognized her from my biology class. She was the type of cute that had everyone falling over themselves to talk to her. But not Marco, he just gave her a charming smile and I felt like I was going to be sick. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Connie gesturing to Sasha to convey the exact same feeling.

“And I’m Ymir.” A freckled girl leaned in front of Christa with a scowl. Marco smiled wearily but Ymir had definitely put him off. Serves him right, the suave little shit.

Reiner, Annie, Connie and Sasha were next and then it was my turn.

 _Don’t look him in the eyes, don’t look him in the eyes, don’t look him in the eyes._ The voice echoing inside my head wasn’t enough and my eyes flicked up to look into Marco’s god-damn beautiful eyes.

Marco raised his eyebrows at me. He was probably waiting for this guy next to him to stop staring and tell him his name. This was stupid though; because he already fucking knew my name- there’s no way he could forget, right? Though I guess everyone else has said their names and I would bet any money that Marco knows more than a few of these girls better than he knows me.

It hadn’t taken long for my lapse in speech to breach the limits of the normal time allowed for people to reply, and quickly head into the realm of awkward.

“Jean,” Sasha whispered, as she elbowed me in the side.

“I’m Jean!” I said, slightly too loudly, managing to tear my gaze away from Marco. Quiet laughter rippled through the group and I could hear Marco’s chuckle ringing in my ears even after the laughter had died down.

“So, guys, we’ll try and play something easy to begin with,” Marco said as he stood up and handed out some sheets.

The session was a blur of C, F and G chords; girls whining at Marco to help them and Connie and Sasha making up their own silly lyrics to the songs.

I kept stealing glances at the boy sat next to me. It was difficult to ignore him when he was leading the group. It also meant that for most of the songs, Marco was the only one singing, and I found it horribly easy to get lost in the soothing tone of his voice. Slowly, I started to notice more and more things about Marco as time wore on: his relaxed strumming pattern, the freckles running down his neck, the gentle smile when he teased one of the girls for talking when we were trying to play. All these little things were almost too familiar and they rubbed me the wrong way. He had all these girls wrapped around his little finger and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. Especially when you considered how bloody irritating Marco was.

I was so numbed by the dull hum of anger in my mind that I didn’t even hear Marco announce the end of the session and stayed sitting, trying to figure out the riff to a ‘Mumford and Sons’ song in an attempt to calm myself down. Trying to convert the pattern from guitar to ukulele was making my brain fuzzy and I kept on getting just that last bit wrong.

“That sounds great, Jean!” Marco said enthusiastically as he was putting the chairs back where they belonged. “You’ve got the hang of it really quickly.”

“Thanks,” I huffed out. It was then that I finally came to the startling realisation that we were the last ones left. I, Jean Kirschtein, was all alone with mister-oh-so-full-of-himself-Bodt.

“I recognise it, what song is that?” Marco frowned slightly in thought as he continued to listen. My fingers kept on plucking out the riff, having just about gotten used to it. I should’ve stopped a while ago, so I should _definitely_ be stopping now, but I was stuck on a loop. Stuck looking into Marco’s searching eyes. They were so warm and such a beautiful luscious brown and... oh god, I was meant to be saying something.

“Uh, I think it’s called ‘The Cave’,” I replied, forcing my fingers to slow down and eventually cease to a halt. The silence left in its wake was almost deafening.

“Ah, yes!” Marco clicked his fingers as the name clicked into place “By Mumford and Sons! Geez, I love them, how could I forget?”

“Yeah,” I said, unconvinced. I stood up and put my chair and ukulele away, not even daring to look Marco’s way in case I got lost in those eyes again. What the hell was going on? Suddenly switching from being thoroughly pissed off with this guy to… what? What exactly was I even thinking right now?

“Why do you hate me?” Marco asked, suddenly breaking the silence that had been sustained between us. I sighed deeply.

“I don’t hate you...” I said. The prickly heat of a blush was creeping up my neck, but I did my best to try and ignore it. I didn’t _hate_ him, I just felt all consuming jealousy whenever he flirted with someone, or when he was even just vaguely nice to anyone. Why? No idea. No fucking clue, because there was no way in hell I-

“Did I do something wrong?” Marco moved over to me and put a hand on my arm. I could feel the blush spreading to my cheeks at the contact and there was no way I could deny what I was feeling anymore.

_Abort, abort, abort!  
_

“No you, just,”-

“Because whatever I did, I’m sorry.” Marco tried to get me to look him in the eyes but I refused to make eye contact as I pushed him away.

“I’m sorry, I’ve got to go,” I said before rushing out of the room quickly, grabbing my bag on my way out. I was _extremely_ flustered, and the horrifying reason had dawned on me like a tonne of bricks being dumped on my back. The weight of the realisation crushed my heart and made it practically impossible to breath.

I had a massive, school-girl crush on straight-as-a-ruler Marco Bodt... and there was nothing I could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Hope you liked this chapter, I had a lot of fun writing it! I think it's important to note that because this story is from Jean's POV not everything is exactly how he sees it. Next chapter will be Reiner's party so hopefully that's something to look forward to!  
> Thanks to JustSomeone for proof reading and attempting to keep my tenses in check.


	3. A Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jean find out just how dangerous parties can be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there! This took a while, didn't it? A mix of exams then holidays and stuff keeping me busy. However, this chapter is the longest I've ever written (5k+) so there's that I guess. Also my wonderful proof-reader went away for a month so this has only only been checked (repeatedly) by me, hopefully it's okay. Enjoy!

Rain hammered on the windows as Marco handed out sheets for the next song. The darkness pooling in the sky outside contrasted glaringly with the bright lights of the music room and I probably looked pissed off with the way I was squinting.

I avoided eye contact with Marco when he placed the sheet on my stand because I was pretty sure just that much interaction at this stage would have been enough to make me blush. I was crushing big time and frankly just sitting next to Marco for an hour was making me flustered. Not that it was all Marco’s fault because I’m pretty sure the heating had been turned up due to the weather. The radiators were pumping out heat as if it was the start of a new ice age.

I finally managed to tear my gaze away from my lap to see that Marco had chosen ‘I’m a believer’ for us to play. I cringed at the lyrics.

_‘I thought love was only true fairy tales,_

_Meant for someone else but not for me.’_

Every word Marco sang felt like another nail in my coffin. I was disgusted at what a lovesick fool I was being. Only idiots started comparing their own love stories with the lyrics of songs.

_‘Love was out to get,_

_That’s the way it seemed._

_Disappointment haunted all my dreams.’_

Shit this... was hitting way too close to home. I sneaked a glance at Marco, sweet, innocent, straighter-than-straight, Marco. Disappointment didn’t even cover it. Frustration, rejection, humiliation, that began to convey the sheer loneliness I felt because of this ordeal.

I could feel my mood spiralling downwards so I forced myself to focus on the strumming pattern I was rocking rather than the boy I was longing. I even managed to mumble my way through some singing with Connie and Sasha backing me up.

The song, like all things, had to end at some point and when it did Marco declared it the last song of the session. It was in my best interests to get out the room as quickly as possible but the sounds of shuffling coats and bags were interrupted by Reiner taking centre stage and grabbing all of our attention.

“Hey guys, I wanted to officially invite you all to my party this Friday!” He said with a huge grin. “Feel free to bring the drinks, I’ll supply the fun.”

Annie shook her head in disdain and – though I may have imagined it – I thought I saw the flicker of a smile.

“And I’m especially hoping you’ll be there Marco.” I overheard Reiner tell Marco as I tried to get the hell out of there. I didn’t stick around to find out Marco’s answer and that was probably a mistake because, not knowing either way, would give me something to stew on for the next couple of days.

Looking up at the sky as I stumbled out of the music block I was thankful to notice the rain outside had lifted slightly. All I had to protect me was my flimsy hoodie after all.

“Yo, Kirschtein, wait up!” Connie called as he scrambled to catch up with me as I walked away from the building, Sasha a couple of steps behind under her umbrella.

“Tell me you didn’t just shout ‘yo’ at me.” Connie shrugged. He looked like he wanted to ask me something but didn’t quite know how to put it. Sasha was still hanging back which set off alarm bells in my head.

“So...” Connie trailed off which really set the awkward atmosphere.

“Yes?” I ventured in an attempt to get him talking. Usually I had to put this much effort in to getting him to shut the hell up so this really wasn’t in line with normal Connie behaviour.

“Basically: Sasha’s worried about you and well, I guess I’m also a bit worried about you but – y’know, we just want to know if you’re alright like, with your life and stuff.” Nerves weren’t exactly helping Connie to be coherent.

“I’m fine, I guess?” Though exactly what he was asking about wasn’t entirely clear.

“Well it’s just, like, just now when we playing ukulele you seemed I dunno, upset somehow?” He sounded sincerely concerned, which was nice and all, but the feeling that something far more ominous was looming began to brew my stomach. Was he insinuating... what I thought he was insinuating?

“Was it because of Marco?” Sasha suddenly jumped between me and Connie with a grin so wide it looked like her face was about to crack in half. Her umbrella nearly caught both Connie and I in the eye.

“Sasha!” Connie snapped waving her brolly out of the way “We were going to be more discreet about it!”

“Discreet? About what?” I asked like the real idiot I am. Note to self: Never talk to these two terrors about anything personal ever again. I told these two that I was bisexual a while ago because, well, mainly because _not_ telling anyone was driving me mad and I thought they’d be cool with it. Turns out it was a stupid idea because they took my confession to mean I’d found a guy I like. My straight out rejection of the idea only made them more convinced. They’ve been using it as a guessing game ever since.

“Asking you if you fancied Marco!” Sasha beamed at me “It’s obvious you do, so why don’t you just admit it?”

I looked between the two of them. Connie had the decency to look a little sheepish but I could tell he was just as desperate for an answer as Sasha was, and, well, Sasha looked she was about to explode with excitement.

“Well?” Connie pressed.

“I don’t!” I shouted. I stood there scowling at him, my whole body shaking as my breathing grew heavy. They stared me down for a minute to see if I would crack.

“I knew you’d ruin my plan if you talked to him.” Connie hissed at Sasha, thinking I couldn’t hear him. Sasha slowly turned on him with a murderous look in her eye.

“ _Your_ plan?” Sasha barked back, steam practically coming out of her ears. She had taken down her umbrella and was pointing it threateningly in Connie’s direction. “It was _my_ idea!”

I had a chance to escape while they argued. I backed away slowly to try and not gain their attention but the moment I turned round a corner I ran for it.

Connie and Sasha knew me better than anyone so I wasn’t surprised that they had figured it out so quickly. This didn’t put me at ease though. It was only a matter of time until they began to perform ever more wild ideas to get Marco and I together. If there was anyone in this world who was more meddlesome in other people’s love lives than those two I had yet to meet them. They claim full responsibility for getting Christa and Ymir together after all.

The sound of a car horn snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see my mother waving from her car. I smiled wearily as I got in the car and my mum let out a sigh.

“You look tired Jeanbo,” she said with a worried look in her eyes, using the pet name she reserved for when she was concerned. “Did you have a bad day at school?”

“Nah,” I waved away her concern “I’m fine.”

“Then why were you running to get here?” She pressed.

“I just wanted to get out of the rain.” I replied. Said rain had eased off to little more than a fine mist by now but I didn’t want to give her anything to worry about.

“Well that’s good to hear.” She replied with a warm smile though there was the undeniable hint of concern still present in her eyes. Sensing I didn’t want to be interrogated any further, she quickly settled into our usual small talk and my anxieties seemed to disappear. My mum has had this way of making everything feel alright since I was a child. If I had fallen over she could make the pain go away with just a simple plaster and if someone teased me she’d know exactly what to say to cheer me up. As I felt the hint of a smile grace my lips I began to wonder: had my day been that bad after all?

 

* * *

 

Layer upon layer of clothes were laid out on my bed. I grabbed another shirt from my drawers and put it on top of some black skinny jeans. Did they go together? Was this combination better than – Wait, where had that chequered shirt gone...

“Are you nearly ready, Jean?” Mum called out from downstairs. I swear she was more excited about me going out then I was. Though my procrastination-by-outfit-choosing wasn’t exactly getting me in the party mood and I was struggling to imagine myself doing anything that involved socialising this evening. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and fall asleep in front of my laptop screen watching some dumb cartoons.

“Jean?” Mum called again. I could hear her footsteps on the stairs.

“Mum I’m almost”-

“Jean Kirschtein!” She stood in the doorway with her arms crossed “We’re leaving in five minutes and you better have changed out of those grubby clothes by then.”

“Yes Mum.” I sighed and turned back to the pile of clothes as she stomped back down the stairs.

I finally decided on a blue shirt with some jeans. Rolling up my sleeves to try and look a little more casual Mum called – more like demanded me – to come downstairs immediately. I didn’t know why she was so anxious to get me out of the house.

My mum was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs and in her hands was a six pack of beer.

“What’s this?” I asked as she thrust the pack towards me.

“It’d be rude to show up empty handed.” She informed me as she sorted out my shirt collar before more or less shoving me out the door.

“But it’s not like I’m going to drink anyway.” I whined as we got into the car but that just made her roll her eyes.

“Now, listen to me Jean,” She said with a soft but serious tone “I want you to enjoy yourself tonight and if that means sharing a drink or two with your friends... I won’t mind.”

“But”-

“No ‘buts’ Jean, you haven’t met up with any of your friends out of school for a while and you have to promise me to have fun, okay?”

I frowned out of habit. I didn’t want to make any promises I couldn’t keep but at the end of the day what harm could it do?

Famous last words.

“Fine.” I sighed. She gave a little hum of approval.

The drive to Reiner’s was over faster than I anticipated. I felt the need to stall for more time to get myself prepared for the night ahead.

“Are you going to be alright on your own tonight?” I asked just as she stopped the car outside of Reiner’s house.

“I’m having some of my friends over for a poker night so don’t you worry about me.” She winked at me. So _that’s_ why she wanted me out the house so desperately.

“I should’ve known.” I said with a roll of my eyes. I didn’t make a move to exit the car and unfortunately she noticed pretty quickly.

“Go on, get going!” she gestured towards the house behind me “Or have you somehow forgotten how to open up car doors?”

“I’m going, I’m going.” I muttered as I clambered out of the car.

“Have fun sweetie!” She said as she rolled down the window. She waved goodbye to me as she drove down the road and I chuckled a little at the sight.

I turned around to face Reiner’s house. As I walked up the steps to the front door I spied Connie’s bald head peeking out from behind the curtains and the low thumping of music. He must’ve informed Reiner of my presence because the host himself opened the door for me before I even had the chance to ring the bell.

“Kirschtein!” He cheered with a rosy face “I’m so glad you could make it. Come in, come in!”

He ushered me in quickly and I suddenly became aware of the weight pulling down on my arm.

“I bought these.” I said as I lifted the beers to eye level.

“Great!” Reiner swiftly took the cans away from me and set off towards the kitchen. I followed him in a manner more befitting a lost puppy and when I entered the room he was already pouring the brown liquid into a plastic cup. He offered it to me and he must’ve noticed the slightly confused look on my face.

“This is a classy party.” He informed me “Can’t be drinking straight from the can, that’d be uncivilised.”

He watched intently as I took a tentative sip. It was sweet enough to be consumable but still had a horrid aftertaste that put me off trying some more immediately.

“Don’t worry you get used to it.” Reiner chuckled at my scrunched up face of distaste “The more you drink the better it tastes.”

That... wasn’t a particularly encouraging thought but I nodded good-naturedly anyway.

“It’s not the best drink I’ve ever had.” I admitted with a shrug. I was sure I came across casually but Reiner let out another laugh which seemed to rumble through the floorboards.

“You should wait to taste Ymir’s shitty beer.” He grinned as he took me by the shoulder and steered me into the living room.

Everyone was chatting enthusiastically about something or other. Most of the guests were strewn across the floor and everyone had a cup in their hand. By whose standards this party could be considered classy I had no idea. There were few members of the ukulele group missing, well, all the year twelve girls seemed to be missing at least. Not wholly unsurprising considering Reiner can be rather intimidating.

As a year fourteen student Reiner was older than the rest of us and seemed to throw his weight around a bit more because of it. Bertholdt was also a year older but he’s a bit of a nervous nelly so people don’t notice him as much, let alone feel intimidated by him. I spotted him squashed onto the end of the sofa talking with Annie who was poised on the arm next to him.

My gaze wandered to the other end of the couch only to land on the chesire cat grin of Sasha. At least the usual suspects were here, for better or for worse.

“Hey Jean!” Sasha beamed from the arm of the sofa, her legs draped over Connie who’d somehow managed to retain his seat after spotting me through the window.

“Hey Sash.” I gave her a little wave “Alright Connie?”

“Yep!” He answered with gulp of his drink “Hey, now you’re here you can weigh in on our conversation about Levi.”

Levi, whose very name made me shudder, was the head of Trost sixth form and a mean old cow to boot. How he had managed to become the topic of conversation I had no idea. The only reasons we normally mentioned him was either to whinge about how he made everyone do litter picking during Friday tutor time or-

Ah yes, I think I know the real reason.

“Why’re you talking about Eren’s _boyfriend_?” I quipped. The words tumbled out before I could even check whether Eren was here. Was he-?

“Can it, horse-face!” Eren shouted from the other side of the room. That answered that question. “I respect him as a teacher, alright?”

“You respect him?” I smirked, easing into the banter. This was the best and only worthwhile reason for talking about Levi, that’s for sure. “Is that what you tell him when he’s fucking you against that shitty lectern you made him?”

“Piss off.” He grumbled. I was tempted to berate him some more but the bone chilling look from Mikasa (no surprise there) put me off. If Eren couldn’t deal with the jokes he shouldn’t have made that lectern for Levi as his DT project.

“We were trying to guess who Levi is _actually_ dating.” Christa jumped in to save the conversation.

“Well that’s easy.” I stated, finding myself a spot on the floor to occupy. “It’s obviously Miss Ral.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell them!” Connie quickly agreed. The two of us were swiftly shot down by a loud chorus of ‘no!’ and ‘don’t be stupid!’ etcetera, etcetera...

“Connie you’ve seen the way Zoë and Levi look at each other!” Sasha smacked him round the back of the head. “They’re clearly dating, you dumbass!”

“Oh also!” Christa’s face lit up at a sudden thought “I’m pretty sure Miss Ral is dating Mr Bossard!”

“Oh please,” Ymir rolled her eyes “Bossard wouldn’t know romance if it slapped him in the face.”

“Like Levi would know any better.” Annie said. At this point in the conversation I was getting pretty lost. I think Mr Bossard was an English teacher? Or, maybe French? Maybe I could discreetly ask Bertholdt-

“I’ve seen Levi be romantic.” I heard someone say. For a moment I thought it was Eren sticking up for his dearly beloved but as I turned to see who everyone was now looking at I spotted someone I really should’ve noticed sooner.

“Are you serious Marco?” Eren asked.

“Yeah it was a couple of days ago in my History class.” Marco began “Mr Smith had accidentally left his screen projected while he checked his email and I saw an email from Mr Levi.”

“What’d it say?” Sasha pressed. She seemed way too eager to find out about a teacher’s love life. I was feeling sort of uncomfortable about where this story was heading considering it included Mr Smith who I actually thought was a cool guy.

“Well I only read the first few lines before he realised it was still displayed on the board, I wasn’t reading it on purpose though!” He hastened to add. Yeah right Marco you’re just as nosy as the rest of us. “But I’m pretty sure Mr Levi was asking Mr Smith out for coffee!”

A moment of silence passed over the group after Marco’s triumphant statement. I think we just found a new definition of the word ‘anticlimax’.

Connie was the first to crack. He spluttered to begin with, trying to hold back his laughter. I turned to see Reiner shaking as he held his hand over his mouth.

“Are you guys alright?” Marco asked obliviously.

“Y-Yeah.” Ymir mumbled before bursting out laughing. Connie and Sasha soon joined her, quickly followed by Reiner and Christa until everyone was laughing.

“Marco you crack me up.” Reiner said slapping his knee like some old man.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny.” Marco murmured. I seemed to be the only one who heard him because everyone else had moved the conversation on already.

“But what’s the deal with Levi’s name anyway?” Connie asked with confusion. “Is that even his surname?”

 

* * *

 

“Turn up that funky beat!” Sasha roared as some fast paced song I didn’t recognise came on.

“Sasha you should calm down for a sec.” Armin tried to reason with her but she just kept dancing out of the way. Armin almost fell over her as she span around him.

I was sat alone on the floor under one of the windows just sort of drinking in the atmosphere, chuckling as I watched events unfold.

“Hey, everyone!” Reiner burst through the door commanding everyone’s attention “Jaeger’s just been sick in the garden!”

He said it almost triumphantly – like it was a personal victory or something – but there were a couple of people in this room who I knew would be less than thrilled by this news. Armin’s head whipped around to look at Mikasa, who had been sat in a corner talking to Annie, and they immediately knew what to do. I had a feeling they’d been through this before as they nodded to each other before quickly leaving to help their friend.

Despite the abundant amount of drama to keep me amused I wasn’t really feeling that good to be honest. I could’ve sworn I’d only had a couple of drinks but I’d lost track because Reiner kept refilling my cup. I’d just about gotten used to the taste and I just kept drinking it as something to do but now the beer was sloshing around inside my belly (and possibly some other alcoholic concoction, like I said: I’d lost track) I was beginning to regret blinding drinking everything sent my way.

Pulling up on the windowsill I managed to heave myself up into a standing position. Apparently standing wasn’t the best decision as I immediately felt even woozier. The fizz in my stomach felt like it was trying to rise up out of me and my knees were rather wobbly.

“Jean-y, Baby!” Connie appeared out of nowhere and grabbed hold of my arm “How’s the love of my life?”

I was half-tempted to ignore him but in my less than sober state I decided it was probably easiest to just go along with it.

“Connie please, try to be a little more discreet about our affair.” I dramatically turned away from him with my hand to my forehead. “I don’t want you to break Sasha’s heart.”

“But Jean...” He grabbed my waist “You’re the only one for me, I swear!”

“What are you two doing?” Our little play was interrupted by a severe looking Annie.

“N-Nothing!” We replied in unison. Connie was still wrapped around my waist. We were frozen waiting for her to say something.

“Whatever.” She walked away and Connie and I let out the breath we’d been holding. We looked at each other and it didn’t take long for us to burst out laughing. I laughed so much my stomach hurt and I had to wipe a tear from my eye.

“Connie!” A wild Sasha appeared. “Come dance with me.”

She latched onto Connie’s arm and before Connie could even reply she started to drag him away. The initial shock soon dissipated into a smile and we both laughed again.

After all this laughter my stomach was really aching and I had a horrible feeling I was going to be sick.

“Bertholdt?” I wandered (okay, more like _hobbled)_ over to him and he instinctively reached out a hand to try and steady me.

“You okay?” I nodded and attempted to straighten myself up. His brow still creased slightly into a frown but I waved away his concern.

“’m fine.” I said, absentmindedly scratching my nose “Just need to know where the bathroom is.”

“Oh, sure.” He told me it was upstairs, second door on the right and I mumbled a quick thank you in reply.

It was darker in the hallway, with only the light of the kitchen illuminating my path. It was colder too and I could feel myself sobering up slightly. I still had this weird fuzzy feeling in my jaw but I shook it off as I headed upstairs.

Only problem was, once I reached the landing I had completely forgotten where to go next. All the doors were closed and I’m pretty sure I saw Ymir and Christa head up this way not too long ago and, as someone without a death wish, I really didn’t want to walk in on whatever they were getting up to. This was some messed up Russian roulette type shit right here.

Using some fragment of logic tucked away in my brain I decided it was probably safest to not enter the rooms with lights on... which was a grand total of: none of them. Either my eyesight had gone to shit or my sense of time had evaporated – either way I was still none the wiser.

Alright then, time for desperate measures: eeny, meeny, miny...

That one. I’d ended up pointing at one of the doors at the end of the corridor.

I opened the door, bracing myself in case of emergency. However, instead of indecent lesbians, or, y’know, _the bathroom_ , I had instead found Marco sitting on a bed. The soft glow of a lamp allowed me to carve out his features from the shadows. He must’ve got bored without any of his usual adoring girls.

Slowly, he looked up from his phone and gave me one of his goddamn beautiful smiles. If I wasn’t already feeling unsteady I would certainly have felt weak at the knees. Although, after a second to drink it in, I realised it was a pretty weak smile and he looked more tired than actually happy. Maybe there was more to this than just a lack of fawning girls.

A thousand and one words queued up to leave my mouth but I was sort of dumbfounded. I opened my mouth and then closed it again like some sort of fucking goldfish.

“Uh, hey.” Marco said and his words drifted right through me.

I wasn’t really in the moment because I couldn’t quite swallow the sense of déjà vu that had suddenly hit me. I’d been through this before but not like this. It had been the other way round last time. _I’d_ been the one on the phone waiting for the party to end. _I_ ’d been the sober one. He...

 

* * *

 

I only went to one party last year. It was at Ymir’s and it was okay but I hadn’t really in the mood and I didn’t drink anything alcoholic which was a mistake because there is nothing worse than dealing with a bunch of drunk people when you’re sober.

Sometime a little before midnight I had gone upstairs to ring my dad to ask for a lift home. He wasn’t terribly happy with it because I’d told him I was going to stay the night but he’d relented and said he’d be there in about ten minutes and that: ‘You better be outside waiting or I’ll use your bones for fertiliser.’ A comforting thought.

I’d been about to head downstairs to say my goodbyes and make up some lame excuse for why I was leaving early when the door opened.

Marco stood in the doorway blinking slowly but then his eyes lit up and he smiled like he’d just found a gold mine.

“Jean!” Marco stumbled into the room “How’s my best bud, buddy, budster?”

Some people say (alright, maybe just my dad) that when people are drunk it amplifies their true self. If this was true then the real Marco would be the happiest person in the world.

“I’m alright.” I replied with a smile as he plonked himself down next to me. “I was just about to leave though, so...”

“You’re not having fun?” Marco asked.

“Uh, not really?”

“B-But everyone’s so nice ‘n happy.”

“It’s not that I’m just”- I turned to look at him and he was closer than I expected. I did my best not to flinch away but his gaze was pretty intense. “Why are you staring at me!?”

He didn’t say anything for a moment that seemed to last an eternity. His eyes weren’t locked with mine though.

“You have really pretty lips.”

I took a sharp intake of breath as his thumb carefully traced along my lower lip. What was he _doing?_ He’d said it like it was a simple fact but it had sent a flush of heat to my face.

“M-Marco?” My voice cracked. I didn’t know what to do. His thumb had moved to trace up my jaw line and his hand was basically cupping my face _and_ _I had no idea what to do._

“Jean I”- His eyes darted up to look deep into mine as he leant closer and I felt something twist inside my gut. I knew I should have been trying to stop him but I simply couldn’t move.

“I”- He was so close I could feel his breath on my lips as he spoke. He glanced down at my lips again then back up to my eyes. He must’ve known that if I didn’t want this I’d have pushed him away by now. I should’ve been pushing him away by now but I had wanted this so badly for so long. But not like this.

We heard the dull thud of something falling over downstairs and it made us both jump. It was enough of a shock for me to realise how wrong the situation was.

“I’m sorry I’ve got to, uh,” I got up and every nerve in my body felt like it was on fire. “I’ve got to leave my dad’ll be waiting.”

I ran away.

I shot down the stairs, mumbled a goodbye to someone, I can’t even remember who, and ran out the house.

I thought I heard Marco call my name but I didn’t look back to check.

 

* * *

 

I could feel my body shift under me like it wanted to collapse but I stood firm.

“Are you alright, Jean?” Marco quickly manoeuvred me to sit next to him on the bed. He repeated the question with even more worry so I half nodded-half shrugged in reply and he backed off a little.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked. I could feel the mattress move as Marco shifted his weight.

“I just needed some quiet.” He replied.

“Oh, sorry.” I apologised but didn’t make any move to leave.

“It’s alright.”

He sighed quietly. I turned to look at him and he smiled.

“I’m glad we’re talking again Jean.” His smile had turned a lot more genuine and I could feel myself begin to grin as well.

“Yeah, sorry about that too.”

He chuckled but then the smile faded.

“I missed you Jean,” He said with a frown. I felt my head begin to spin again. “What happened?”

“I dunno.” I slurred as I looked down at my hands. “some stuff I guess...”

“I _know_ something happened at Ymir’s party, Jean.” I had to put all my available energy into not looking at him “I’m not _stupid_.”

“I know you’re not I just”-

I foolishly turned to look at him then and he was so close it made my stomach flip.

“Please just _tell me._ ”

I was going to tell him the truth I swear. Unfortunately my gut had other plans.

I could feel the vomit rise up from my stomach, the putrid taste on my tongue, and I knew there was no way to hold it back.

“’m sorry.” I mumbled trying not to open my mouth too wide.

“What’s wro”-

I threw up on his shoes.

“Jean!” He yelped as he leapt up from the bed. I made some sort of unintelligible reply but I couldn’t really take anything in except the burn as I threw up again. I think I heard Reiner, or maybe it was Bertholdt, come in to help but it was all a blur.

I must’ve passed out or fallen asleep pretty soon after because that’s all I remembered from that night. Marco had already left when I eventually woke up on one of Reiner’s sofas.

"Urgh." I grumbled. I had the worst hangover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the moral of the story is: always keep an eye on what you're drinking and never mix your drinks. Comments would be greatly appreciated! I also have a snk tumblr at alicealawson.tumblr.com


	4. An Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Jean tries to do the right thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'm not dead yet.

It had been just over a week since Reiner’s party and I still felt terrible. I skipped the ukulele club because I couldn’t face talking to Marco and the terrible twosome who hadn’t let up. They were now even more convinced that I liked Marco ( _despite_ throwing up on him) because we were alone in a bedroom together. On top of all that I’ve been struggling to sleep because every night when I close my eyes I end up repeating Marco’s words in my mind.

_I’m not stupid._

How much did he remember from Ymir’s party? Had he managed to suppress all his drunken homosexual tendencies?

_Please just tell me._

I had been so close to telling him. What would’ve happened if I had told him? He probably would’ve just laughed in my face or something. All this turmoil over such a seemingly silly thing would be bloody hilarious to him. ‘Oh you thought I was coming on to you? You know how straight I am right?’ Yeah, so fucking funny.

Left alone I would have dwelled on this the whole morning but Connie picked that moment to suddenly stab me in the side with a pencil.

“Watch it Springer.” I snapped, snatching the pencil from him.

“Just trying to stop you from causing a storm with your cloud of misery,” Connie poked me in the side again and Sasha seized the opportunity to pinch back the pencil “didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers.”

“Fuck off.” I grumbled and he backed off. If this had been last Friday he would have continued to interrogate me but they’d just about got the hint to drop it when I refused to answers their string of texts over the weekend.

“Good morning, my wonderful tutor group.” Mr Smith greeted as he walked in only five minutes late.

“Morning Mr Smith, late as always I see.” Connie grinned. “Did you spend too long picking out that ugly tie this morning?”

“At least I didn’t get dressed in the dark unlike you Mr Springer.” Mr Smith smoothly replied “And take your shoes off the table, there’s no telling where they’ve been.”

There was a quiet muttering of laughter from the other students who weren’t too caught up in their own conversations.

“Whatever old man.” Connie quietly grumbled as he reluctantly removed his feet from the table.

“Alright guys, listen up!” Mr Smith announced “RAG week is only a couple of weeks away now and we need two or three of you to act as tutor representatives at the committee meetings, any volunteers?”

In one swift movement Connie and Sasha raised their hands. I rolled my eyes at their over abundant enthusiasm but then, before I could stop her, Sasha also raised my hand for me. So much for being a volunteer.

“Ah thank you!” He looked almost relieved to not have to nominate people but the whole tutor group knew how quick he was to nominate ‘willing volunteers’ if necessary. He wrote our names on an email projected for the whole tutor group to see then turned back to the three of us. “There’s a meeting tomorrow lunchtime in SF7 just down the corridor and Levi will be taking a register so you better be there.”

“Yes, sir!” Sasha and Connie mock saluted.

“At ease soldiers.” Mr Smith said with a roll of his eyes.

 

* * *

 

RAG week: the bane of my sixth form existence, a week of charity fundraising coupled with outlandish fancy dress, how I loathe it. Over the years it’s become less about ‘Raising and Giving’ and more about who has the best costume at such short notice. Yet, despite my distaste for it I somehow found myself sitting between the terrible twosome at a committee meeting for it.

I was happy enough just sitting there drowning in the chatter as we waited for the teacher to turn up and start the meeting. Sasha was regaling us with a story about this amazing restaurant she visited on her summer holiday to Turkey when Marco walked in. Connie must have spotted my sudden interest in something because he turned to look at Marco and gave him a wave before turning back to look at me with a sly grin. I glanced at Sasha and she was also smirking deviously.

“Whatever you’re thinking: just stop it.” I said.

If they were planning to interrogate me they were stopped by the sudden arrival of Mr Levi. Yup, his piercing gaze was as cold as ever.

“Afternoon students.” He managed to make the greeting sound like a vulgar insult. Silence rippled through the room and everyone seemed to sit up just a little bit straighter in their seats.

Bertholdt was the head of the committee and he managed to muster the nerve to commence the meeting. The first item on the agenda was the daily costume themes. Suggestions had been put forward by the student body and it was our job as the committee to come to a final decision. The discussion for this was unbelievably fierce. I ended up finding myself joining in on the debate just to make sure the really dumb ideas didn’t get through (I mean: religion? Really? Do they want a student riot on their hands?). I think twenty minutes passed before Levi ordered everyone to shut up and Bertholdt put together a list of themes that nobody was too offended by.

“The RAG fair events will be mainly organised by each tutor group but we’ll need someone, maybe a couple of people, to organise, a, uh, event involving the teachers.”

“Like gunge the teacher!” Connie cried. Levi shot him a death glare from across the room and Connie shrank back down in his seat.

“Maybe not,” Bertholdt said. “But at any rate, any volunteers?”

“I’ll do it!” Hitch raised her hand. She then turned to the boy on her right. “And Marlow will help too, won’t you?”

“If it will serve to help the school, then it is my duty.” Marlow said. Hitch laughed at this as if it was an inside joke and Bertholdt just smiled politely and wrote their names down on the notepad in front of him.

“The music department also asked if they could have a couple of helpers for setting up for RAG Rock.”

RAG Rock is a music event where student bands perform. I’d gone last year and not _everyone_ was terrible. However, Eren had once again clubbed together some people and his singing was not something I ever wanted to hear again.

Bertholdt looked around for anyone willing to take a hand. The silence after the request had gone on too long for comfort and I decided to take one for the team.

“I’ll help.” I said begrudgingly. I didn’t have anything on that night and my mum would be proud I was participating, might as well help out seeing as I was dragged here.

“Thanks Jean.” Bertholdt scribbled my name down.

“I don’t mind helping as well.” Marco piped up “If you need someone else.”

I jumped at the sound of Marco’s voice. I’d almost forgotten he was here. Connie nudged me in the side and winked at me so I gave him the nastiest glare I could muster. If Marco wanted to help he could’ve raised his hand before I had given in.

“That’s perfect Marco.” Bertholdt said. “I think that’s everything?”

Bertholdt looked over to Levi to check and he nodded.

“Just make sure you sign yourselves in.” Levi said with a wave of the register sheet.

 

* * *

 

I still couldn’t stomach the thought of going to ukulele club. More than anything I wouldn’t be able to face sitting next to Marco for an hour. I knew avoiding him was only going to lead to more trouble further down the line but that was for future me to deal with. Present me had to get out of the science block as fast as possible because the exit was right next to the music block and I sure as _hell_ did not want to bump into anyone.

I tried to discreetly pack up my things before Dr Zoë finished talking about molluscs but before I had even managed to put my pencil case away the whole class began shuffling and packing up. Unfortunately that didn’t prove too popular with Zoë who went off on a whole new tangent on the life cycle of snails. It was ten minutes past the end of school by the time they finished waffling on.

I still tried to make a quick getaway but Christa stopped me.

“Aren’t you going to ukulele club Jean?” She asked with those big blue eyes boring into me.

“I, uh, just need to put something in my locker. I’ll be there in just a sec.”

“Okay,” A bright smile lit up her face “See you later.”

Great, another person to disappoint, that’s just what I needed.

The school was already deathly quiet when I got outside. I couldn’t see anyone else from the club walking up to the music block but I took the long way round to my locker just in case.

It was when I’d just finished putting my folders away that someone jumped on my back.

“Guess who!” Sasha squawked as she put her hands over my eyes.

“Sasha!” I yelped “Get off.”

She giggled as I pushed her off my back but the laughter stopped when she saw my face.

“Someone’s in a foul mood.” Connie said “But I know what’d cheer you up”-

“Playing the ukulele!” Sasha beamed at me as she made to grab my arm. “C’mon we’re going to be late.”

“I’m not going.” I shook her off. A pout immediately formed on Sasha lips coupled with a frown from Connie. I looked away.

“You can’t still be embarrassed about what happened at the party.” Connie scoffed.

“It’s not that.” I lied “I’ve got a load of work, I haven’t got time.”

“Let’s go Connie.” Sasha said still looking upset “Let Jean mope if that’s what he wants to do.”

“Guys, I...” I tried to come up with a way of explaining myself but they’d already left.

They were right of course. That’s what made it hurt from the very depths of my heart all the way out of my chest until every breath I took was like trying to dry swallow a pill that couldn’t fit down my throat. I was choking on air. I had to get out of here.

The other side of the sixth form building just lead out onto a car park, I walked towards it with a vague idea of sitting on the kerb like the loser I was but there was someone else there already.

“Eren?”

He turned his head to see who was calling him but turned back again when he saw me. We’ve always been at odds with each other, we started fighting the first day of primary school, but somewhere along the line we sort of ended up friends. It helped that I wanted to get on Mikasa’s good side back when I had a crush on her but Armin had been trying to make us to get along long before that.

I went over and sat next to Eren even if he didn’t really want me there. He didn’t get up and leave with a shove of my shoulder so I assumed I was good to stay.

“Want to talk about it?” I asked. Eren raised an eyebrow at me, “I can tell something’s bugging you, your leg’s bouncing that way it does when you’re really pissed.”

“’m fine.” He grunted “What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t play dumb with me horseface.” He rolled his eyes “I know something went down between you and Marco at Reiner’s party, fuck, everyone does, but I know you’re still ignoring him.”

“Hey you can’t just avoid your problems by asking me about mine.” I said with a jab to his ribs. He didn’t hit me back and that’s when I knew he was _really_ upset. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to hit a nerve”-

“It’s about Mikasa.” Eren cut off my apology, his face hard set into a scowl.

“Uh, what about her?”

“She’s refusing to apply to Oxford.”

I waited a beat for an explanation but Eren wasn’t being particularly forthcoming.

“And that’s a bad thing because...?”

“Because she only wants to go where I’m going.” He let out a juddering sigh “Because she’s doing it for me.”

“I still don’t”-

“You don’t get it?” He was on his feet in an angry flash, his fiery eyes glaring down at me.

“No?”

“She’s doing it for me!” Eren spat grabbing at his hair and throwing his head back “She still thinks I need her to protect me, to look after me.”

He looked back down at me still sat on the kerb.

“She needs to live her life for herself, I can look after myself,” Eren must have seen the blank look on my face as he then as he turned at mumbled, “You don’t get it.”

I decided to stand then. I reached out to put a hand on Eren’s shoulder but he was shivering from how angry he was so I withdraw my hand.

“How do you know she’s doing it for you?” I asked “Is that what she said?”

“Well, no, but”-

“Surely she’s allowed to make her own decision about this?”

“That’s what Armin said too.” Eren’s lip curled. “But she’s smart. Smart enough to know she should go somewhere better, better than me, smart enough to be able to do better with her life.”

“If you think she’s that smart then you should trust to make the right choice.”

“Hmph.” Was his intelligent answer.

“You’re welcome.” I said with a punch to his shoulder.

He punched me back in the arm. He was better, at least a little bit.

“So hey,” He said sitting back on the kerb “What _is_ going on between you and Marco.”

“None of your business.” I said.

“Hey, I told you.” He poked my cheek.

“Fine.” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I wasn’t really sure how much to tell him, or where to start exactly. “You want the whole story?”

“That’ll do, yeah.”

“Well, uh, let’s see, well y’know me and Marco became best friends at AS pretty much as soon as he joined the school at the start of that year, and well, somewhere along the line I ended up with a teensy-weensy little crush on him. Now I’ll say right away that I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I thought Marco was completely straight”-

“Thought?”

“I’ll get to that. Anyway, it was at Ymir’s party last year, you remember? I was sober as fuck and left pretty early?”

“Yeah?” Eren sort of nodded and shrugged at the same time “Marco got all upset after you left I think, Ymir put him to bed upstairs.”

“Shit.” I scratched the back of my neck nervously “Well Marco had maybe been about to kiss me and I basically ran away.”

“Right.” Eren said just about taking in what I was saying “So are you gay or what?”

“Or what.” I said with a smirk “I’m bi.”

“Okay.” Eren nodded with some sort of understanding “But that was ages ago, what’s with you two now?”

“Right, so after Ymir’s party I ignored in a very similar fashion to what I’m doing now I guess, I hadn’t talked to him from then till, like, the third week of term.”

“Why’d you talk to him again?”

“Connie and Sasha roped me into joining the ukulele club that Marco is running.”

“Ukulele club?” Eren said with a mocking smile “Sounds fun.”

“Shut moron I’m trying to pour my heart out here.”

“Carry on.” He said.

“So yeah, we started talking again, I developed a full on soul destroying crush on him and then Reiner’s party happened and uh,” I coughed “I threw up on him.”

Eren let out a low whistle.

“You sure have a way of royally fucking things up Kirschtein.”

“Gee, thanks a bunch.”

“Man, just _talk_ to him.” Eren said sounding exasperated “Marco’s a nice guy just have a goddamn conversation with him.”

“Ugh, I’ll think about it.”

“You better.” He said with an arm numbing punch. Well at least I’d managed to cheer him up.

 

* * *

 

Setting everything up wouldn’t take long: drag the drum kit to the hall, plug in some mikes and amps, avoid Marco at all costs and then I’d be home free. If only it was that simple.

Eren had told me to talk to Marco but that was easier said than done. Especially when ignoring him was easiest of all.

At first, when I walked into the hall, I thought Lady Luck was smiling upon me. I immediately spotted Mr Gin, the music tech teacher, but Marco was nowhere in sight. The illusion of luck was quickly shattered when Marco pushed through the door on the other side of the hall, two music stands clenched in each hand.

He unceremoniously dumped the stands on the floor by the grand piano before noticing me. He smiled warmly but I quickly looked away and busied myself by asking Mr Gin for instructions. He told me to go and fetch the (dreaded) drum kit and I nodded before walking over to the door Marco was heading back out of. Seems my totally impossible plan to avoid Marco was going to fail earlier than I thought. What a surprise.

“I’ll help you with the drum kit, it’s a bit of a handful.” Marco said as he held open the door for me. I grunted my thanks but I didn’t fail to see the frown it earned me.

I picked up the pace in an attempt to both ditch Marco and to get this over with as soon as possible. Ditching Marco didn’t work as he easily matched my pace. I forgot his legs were longer than mine.

The wind picked up as we passed by the astroturf and I buried my nose in my jacket. Marco only wore a shirt but the late October chill didn’t seem to affect him in the slightest. I tried to distract myself from thinking about what Marco was wearing and just how well he wore it by watching the seagulls and crows scouring the top field but I could still hear Marco breathing next to me and it was driving me sort of mad.

“Why’d you volunteer to do this?” I asked as we entered the music block, my curiosity getting the better of me. I hadn’t exactly been nice to him this past week.

He didn’t answer as we walked through the doors to the practice rooms. I didn’t want to press the issue too much but the silent treatment was beginning to bug me and Eren’s advice was repeating itself in my head over and over. I followed him into the practice room harbouring the drums and by then I couldn’t stand it any longer. I’ve never been known for my patience.  
“Say something, you idiot.” I said, the sharp words fracturing the wall that had built up around Marco. The wall built between _us_.

“Oh, I’m _sorry_ , was I _ignoring_ you?” His words oozed sarcasm. I knew him well enough to tell how much he was hurting, to tell how much I must have hurt him.

“Woah, what’s your problem?” A smarter response had never left my mouth. I’m a total loser.

“ _My_ problem?” He scoffed with a despairing shake of his head “I’m not the one who’s been avoiding a certain someone who thought, maybe, _just maybe_ , they were actually getting along again. But no, you avoided me for weeks. You didn’t even go to ukulele club!” According to Connie you’ve been ‘too busy’”-

“I was!” I cut in.” I’ve had my EPQ and”-

“Bullshit. You’ve been pointedly avoiding me since Reiner’s party and I need, no, I _deserve_ to know why.”

I grumbled a ‘fuck you’ then grabbed the main body of the drum kit and began to hightail out of there. My knees began to buckle under the weight before I even reached the door. Shit was it heavy.

“C’mon, let me help you.” Marco said with a sigh as he appeared beside me.

“You don’t have to.” I said shifting the weight of the drum between us.

“It’s fine.” He said with a sad sort of smile.

Not a single word passed between us as we lugged the various components of the drum kit down to the hall. I felt sorry for the poor soul who’d have to carry it all back up to the music department after RAG Rock.

I kept on snatching glimpses of Marco as we went about our work. I knew I was being hard on him but friendships can’t be reborn out of a few cordial words and a winning smile. I wanted to be friends with him again more than anything but there was so much pulling us apart. The string that had once held us together had become knotted and frayed from too many averted gazes and cold shoulders. Mainly on my part, true, but what else could I have done? I would have lost him as a friend anyway if I’d confronted him about the almost kiss. Worse than that, he could have spread a rumour about me throughout school. I wasn’t ready to be outed and Marco certainly hadn’t been either. The only other choice I had was to pretend everything was hunky-dory and that would have driven me bat-shit insane.

Ignoring him had been the only viable option. It had been the right thing to do. The only thing to do.

But even though it had been right it had still been difficult. Not only had I have to detach myself from my crush but I had to lose my best friend.

I missed him.

I missed our stupid jokes and the nights we’d hand out at each other’s houses playing video games. I missed hearing him laugh because of something I said. I missed seeing him smile for me and only me.

I missed him so goddamn much.

My chest tightened the way it always did when I thought about all the time I wasted that could’ve been spent with Marco. When had Ymir’s party happened? Last February? It seemed so long ago but that would only make it about eight months ago? I looked over at Marco and he looked the same way he had a before this whole fiasco, almost the same at least. He seemed to carry himself more stiffly, he was nowhere near as relaxed as he used be like he had to be careful about what he said or did. I forget sometimes that he’s had to deal with his best friend suddenly ditching him and never explaining why. I guess both have us have had to change.

The hall had been deathly silent ever since Mr Gin left us to get on with things. He said he had some work to do. The only thing left to do here was set up the mikes and amps on stage. It seemed Marco had finished the rest of his jobs too and we met awkwardly in the middle of the stage each holding a microphone stand.

“Look, Marco, I, uh...” As eloquent as ever I put down the stand and turned to face Marco. “I just wanted to say sorry, sorry for being a prick all this time and, just, yeah. I’m sorry.”

Marco nodded and I thought that would be it for his reply but then he looked straight at me with those piercing eyes.

“Apology accepted Jean Kirschtein.” He said with a laugh in his voice. “I’d apologise for whatever I did to upset you”-

“Don’t worry about it.”I told him and I wished I could have meant it. I sure as hell knew I’d be doing a fair bit of worrying for more than a few sleepless nights yet to come.

From there the conversation took on a more casual tone. We talked about all sorts of trivial matters and stupid stuff just like we used to and it was calming somehow. If I didn’t pay too much attention I could almost pretend that no time had passed between us, that the knotted string had sewn us back together so we were just like new. Yet however much I wanted play make-believe there were still too many pauses for it to be normal like we were just out of tune and the difference was jarring.

Marco, being the smooth talker that he was, always found something to talk about when I ran out of ideas and so time picked up its pace. It didn’t seem like long till it was time to leave and Mr Gin returned to check our progress, thanking us for our work.

Light still clung to the sky as we left the hall and the musicians entered in our wake. I instinctively headed towards the sixth form building as I rang my mum for a lift home. I was surprised to see Marco still walking beside me after I’d hung up. For just one more moment I could kid myself we were still best friends and everything was just as it used to be. The moment faded as I noticed our awkwardness draped over us like a heavy cloth that made it difficult to move the way we wanted to. Slow and unsteady like a badly rehearsed play.

“So,” Marco said with a not too subtle cough “you going to the social on Thursday?”

The question caught me off guard and my mouth struggled to wrap around the words jumbled in my head.

“I might.” I answered neither one way nor the other. I won’t, but he didn’t need to know that.

“You got any costumes planned for the rest of the week?” He asked still trying to keep us talking.

“Eh, the themes aren’t exactly inspiring.”

“I admit I was surprised to see you at that meeting, you’re not really one for school spirit are you.” He stated it rather than asked and before I could scoff or retort he added “I forgot that about you.”

His words made me feel winded and it was all I could do not to give in to the pain brewing inside my and fall into his arms in tears.

It was at that moment mum’s car pulled up to the kerb.

“G’bye Jean.”Marco said with a distinctly watery smile.

“Later.” I replied.

Mum had the decency to not immediately begin her interrogation but it wasn’t long before she asked a question.

“Was that Marco you were talking to you?” Somehow it only hurt more that she recognised him. Of course she did, he was a huge part of my life, but that fact only made the pain in my chest tightened.

“Yeah.”

“He’s a nice lad, I’m glad you’re talking to him again.”

“Me too.” I said and I really really meant it.

 

* * *

 

“Uuuuugh.” Sasha moaned. The sound was muffled by the table she was lying face down on.

“Have a good night out Sasha?”I asked with a smirk.

“My head hurts.”She lifted her head up long enough to whine.

“Shuddup Sash I’m trying to sleep.”Connie jabbed Sasha in the leg and she slumped off the table and into her chair.

It was Friday morning and the vast majority of the sixth form was dressed to the nines in pyjamas and dressing gowns. Pyjama day after the night of the social seemed to be a hit with everyone including me. Any chance to be as lazy as possible was a good thing in my book.

“Good morning!” Mr Smith boomed even louder than usual as he entered the tutor room.

“Morning sir.” I said amongst the chorus of groans.

“Kirschtein,” Mr Smith nodded approvingly at my non-hangover state “Nice to see someone ready for today.” He looked over at Connie and Sasha, both of whom had fallen asleep.

“Did you sleep well children?” Mr Smith as he slammed his hands down on the table they were sleeping on.

“Oi, oi, what’s the ruckus?” Connie mumbled.

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Sasha said. Her face had turned deathly white and she quickly ran out of the classroom. Mr Smith chuckled to himself as he went over to his desk having had his fun for the morning.

Connie let out a lion roar like yawn. Mr Smith must have actually waked him up.

“You missed out on quite the party Jean.” Connie told me with a pointed finger “You’ve got to promise me you’ll go next time.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” I waved away his finger “Now, c’mon, tell me what shit went down.”

He rolled his eyes. He knew I’d ask about the gossip, I always did.

“There wasn’t really”- He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes went wide.

“Holy shit what happened Con?”

“No, no, no, no, no.” He shook his head, his eyes still wide as saucers “Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Not a single thing.”

“Oh, really?” I said with narrowed eyes “Because I believe there are some photos of you at a Zumba class that would say otherwise.”

“Dammit Kirschtein I thought I told you to delete those.

“Maybe I will if you tell me about all this ‘nothing’ that happened last night.” I spread my hands in innocence.

“Okay but you’re not going to like it, are you sure about this?”

“Now you’re just teasing me.” I buffed him on the arm “Just tell me already.”

“Alright, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He leant forward and whispered something but you know I must have had something stuck in my ear because it definitely couldn’t be true.

“Come again?” I squeaked.

“Like I said, Marco got off with Mina.”

And just like that everything came crashing down around me.

Even though I knew this day would come it didn’t stop the pain in my chest. I felt like someone had cut open my heart and left me an empty chest devoid of anything.

“Hah, that’s hilarious.” I said but the words were cold and empty just like me.

“Jean, I’m sorry,” Connie eyes searched my face for something but I didn’t know if he found it. “I said you wouldn’t want to know.”

“It’s fine, I’ve just go to, uh,” I didn’t have an excuse to hand this time “I need to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame a lack of motivation, inspiration and time. I had the first written pretty quickly but nothing else came before I got home after my first term of uni (to the place where this is set/based on) when inspiration hit me so hard I had to write a whole bunch in a notebook at midnight just to make sure I didn't forget. Fingers crossed the next update shouldn't take as long but ???  
> Also: welcome to the eremika sub plot, won't be too shippy but it will exist.


	5. A Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Jean fails to learn from his mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally managed to get this chapter together, I've had it all planned since before the last chapter was posted and it's been sitting on my computer waiting to be edited for the last week. I hope you enjoy it!

Why am I here? What on Earth was I thinking?

Against my better judgement I was back at ukulele club and I swear to god all I wanted to do was hit my head against the wall repeatedly.

After RAG week we’d had a week off school for half term and I sort of closed in on myself. I spent most days sat in my room doing nothing of consequence and basically ignoring everything, and everyone, beyond the four walls of my bedroom. I went round to Connie’s once to play video games but only because my mum nagged me to get out of the house.

Going back to school meant facing everything again, the fact that Marco existed as a very prominent part of my life now and how he was way out of my reach.

Mina was sat right next to him making big goo-goo eyes and I just had to sit there like a goddamn idiot. I knew I shouldn’t be angry at her. She hadn’t actually done anything wrong but that’s the thing with jealousy: it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

I couldn’t really be angry at Marco either even if I wanted to.

We were playing Bring Me Sunshine of all things and I was doing that lovesick fool thing again.

‘ _Bring me sunshine in your smile,_

He had a really, truly, wonderful smile. I had to stop myself grinning just by looking at him and his goofy grin.

_Bring me laughter all the while.’_

The way Marco sung wasn’t like Morecambe and Wise, it was soft and lilting, melodic like the tinkling of piano keys. I stopped listening to the lyrics and just listened to the rise and fall of the melody in his voice. The song ended too soon.

“You have a really great voice.” I said out loud before I realised what I was doing. Marco looked at me in stunned silence for a beat. His eyes locked with mine and then he smiled a beautiful smile just for me.

“Thanks Jean.”

“’S no problem.” I grunted as I looked away, a deep blush rising in my cheeks. I was being far too careless. He had to be blind not to see my face glowing red hot. Though, to be fair, Mina was being far more obvious than me and Marco still seemed oblivious to her affections.

“Real smooth Romeo.” Connie snickered on my other side.

“Can it, baldy.”

“Oh that’s real original.” Connie rolled his eyes.

We played a couple more songs and then it was time to go. I started to pack up my things but Connie nudged me and gestured over my shoulder.

“Looks like Romeo’s got a little competition.” He said with a smirk.

“What”- I turned to see what he was talking about only to see Mina leaning on Marco’s shoulder as they spoke. I turned back to Connie with a scowl.

“Hey, I’m just trying to help.” He spread his hands in innocence.

“Help with what?” I asked my eyes narrowed into a glare.

“You have to keep an eye on your competitors Jean.” Sasha butt in, “How else to you expect to win the game?”

“The game? I’m not playing any kind of game.” I shook my head. “What _are_ you two on about?”

“Just give it up already Jean, _we know_ , you’re not fooling anyone.”

“Whatever.” I huffed as I stood up to leave.

I don’t know why I kept arguing with them. It was obvious to them that I liked Marco so I don’t know why I bothered trying to keep up the pretence that I didn’t. Maybe it was the whole deal of having to admit it out loud that I didn’t like. If I kept in inside I could hide it away, squash it down and shove it in to the furthest corner of my mind. Yeah, like that was going to work.

“Hey, Jean!” Marco called out to me. He walked over to me (which meant Mina had to get off, _thank god_ ) with a blinding grin that was so infectious I found myself smiling right back at him. “I’m so glad you came today, I was worried you still wouldn’t come.”

“Of course I came Marco, we’re friends again now, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” He seemed preoccupied with something. His fingers were nervously fiddling with the clasp of his watch and he kept on avoiding my eyes.

“Is there something you wanted to say Marco?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, I mean, yes! Uh, I, uh...” He gulped.

“Yes?” I pressed him.

“I was just wondering if you’d like to come round this weekend?” The words rushed out and it took me a couple of seconds to comprehend them. Even then, I wasn’t sure I heard him right.

“To your house?”

“Yes.”

“Where you live?”

“I tend to, yeah.” He sighed “If you don’t want to go, I won’t mind”-

“No!” His eyes widened “I mean, that’d be great Marco, I’d love to.”

“Really?” I nodded and his grin somehow managed to stretch even further “Great, uh, two o’clock on Saturday then?”

“Sounds good.”

“Great, uh, see you later then Jean.”

“Yeah, later Marco.” I gave him a small wave as I walked out the music room in a sort of daze. I had to be dreaming.

“Hey there lover boy!” Sasha crowed as I stepped out of the music block. Okay, definitely not dreaming.

“Hey potato-face!” I shouted back which earned me a slap on the back my head.

“So Jean,” Sasha asked as we made our way down the slope “What was that all about?”

“What was what all about, Sasha?” I asked, my face the picture of innocence.

“You and Marco.” She nudged me in the side.

“He invited me round his weekend is all,” I shrugged doing my best to be casual because _holy shit_ was I freaking out internally. “No big deal.”

 

* * *

 

This is such a big deal. I can’t believe I’m going to go round Marco’s house again. Will his family be there? Will his dad still like me? Will it be awkward? What should I wear?

I managed to wake up just before midday which meant I only had a couple of hours to stew on what would happen this afternoon.

“Good morning, Jean.” My dad greeted from where he sat on the sofa, his eyes peering over the top of the newspaper. His slippers were looking tattered and his jumper was fraying with age, it was a stark contrast to the smart business suits and polished shoes he wore on weekdays.

“Hi dad,” I replied as I looked around for mum “how are you this morning?”

“I’m good thanks,” He said as he put down his newspaper on his lap to look at me properly. “If you’re looking for your mother she left about an hour ago to visit your grandmother so I’m afraid you’re stuck with just me today.”

“Ah, well, uh,” He raised an eyebrow as the words stumbled out of my mouth. “I was planning on going round a friend’s house today and”-

“Which friend?” He cut in and asked.

“Uh, Marco.” I said. He frowned slightly as he tried to remember the name.

“Marco?” He still looked a little confused “You haven’t been round his for years.”

“It’s not been even a year, but yeah.” I was surprised he remembered Marco at all. Sure he’d met him a couple of times but it’s the type of stuff dad had a tendency to forget.

“Huh,” He disappeared back behind his newspaper indicating the end of the conversation. “Well, have fun.”

“Thanks dad.”

 

* * *

 

I managed to scrounge myself some sort of brunch before heading out. Marco lived about forty minutes away but I knew the route off by heart. The sun was shining which felt like a good omen even if it was getting a bit cold out.

I texted Marco when I was about halfway to let him know I was coming. I almost asked him to remind me what his house number was but I wanted to test my memory.

His house was at the end of a terrace, the one with a front garden instead of a driveway and a hanging basket next to the door.

I took a deep breath in before ringing the door bell. The ring from inside was just as shrill as I remembered and it wasn’t long before I heard the sound of footsteps.

“Jean!” Marco said when he opened the door.

“Hi Marco.” I replied. We stood there for a moment and Marco's eyes seemed to glass over for a second but ehn it was as if Marco had suddenly come back to Earth and he ushered me inside.

“Is anyone else home?” I ventured as I took of my coat and shoes. The place looked exactly the same as the last time I’d been here: cluttered but not messy.

“Nope, my dad took Lucy down to the reserve with him to do some pond dipping.” Luciana, or Lucy for short, was Marco’s younger sister. Last time I saw her she was a loud and annoying eleven-year-old, she’d be an equally as annoying twelve-year-old by now.

Obviously he didn’t mention his mother. I’ve never met her but Marco told me that she was living in Italy with his step-dad. He doesn’t talk about her much.

“That’s cool.” I said. We went into the living room and I took in the familiar surroundings. Some of the pictures on the mantelpiece had changed but they were still of Marco and his sister. In front of the telly were the Wii remotes where Marco had already set up the Wii for Mario Kart.

“Mario Kart?” I asked slightly concerned “You do remember how terrible I am, right?”

“Exactly.” Marco said with a wicked look in his eye.

I wasn’t wrong. I was still absolutely awful at Mario kart. We played at 50cc and I only just managed to get to 3rd place and do _not_ get me started on rainbow road.

“One more race?” Marco asked.

“No.” I pleaded. “Please, No more.”

Marco chuckled and went over to the drawer with the games in.

“Do you want to pick something then?” He said gesturing to the drawer. I went over to join him and cast a wary eye over the games.

“Smash bros?” I ventured.

“Do we have to?” Marco whined “I’m not that good at it.”

“Oh, sounds perfect then!” I said with a wicked grin.

I managed to beat Marco but it was pretty close.

“I thought you said you sucked?” I said to Marco.

“I’m used to playing against Lucy, she practices.” He said with a little chuckle. “Want to play COD now?”

The question seemed innocent but COD was what we always _used_ to play and Marco must’ve not wanted to start with it for a reason. He was probably still just as worried as I was about this delicate friendship we were trying to rebuild.

“I was waiting for you to ask.” I said with a smile.

 

* * *

 

Playing video games with Marco became a regular weekly thing. His dad and sister weren’t out every time so I eventually had to face the wrath of Lucy. She was not best pleased the first time she saw me again. A silent conversation occurred between Marco and her which concluded with Lucy agreeing to be civil if I could beat her at smash bros. I lost in less than a minute but Marco still forced her to be tolerant of my presence regardless.

Before I even realised, winter was rearing its ugly head and I honestly hadn’t been so happy in a long time. Everything seemed to be aligned perfectly, even Mina had given up the chase and I was just enjoying spending time with Marco again.

“Hey, I know it’s kind of dumb to ask you this but, uh...” He trailed off.

“Hey, spit it out Marco.” I said as I threw a grenade on screen.

“Are you going to the winter social?” The question was so out of the blue I almost died on screen. I’d forgotten about the next social. I _tried_ to forget what I heard happened at the last social. I paused the game.

“What?” I asked trying to seem innocently confused.

“I knew it was stupid to ask, I’m sorry, forget I said anything.” He resumed the game without waiting for an answer.

“I am going.” I said after a minute had passed.

This time he paused it.

“What?” He asked. Suspicion was etched into his frown.

“Connie made me promise to go after last time.” I said with a shrug.

“Oh.” He said “Cool.”

 

* * *

 

Remind me to never make a promise to Connie ever again.

I’d never been in a club before, and well, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. It was loud, it was flashy and it smelt kind of weird. Everything I should have expected in hindsight.

“You look sober.” Sasha said with a prod to my chest. “If you’d gone to pre-drinks like I’d _asked_ you to you would be _enjoying_ yourself by now.”

“Yeah well, you look shit-faced already.” I said as I caught a whiff of her beer laden breath.

“Why thank you.” She replied with a snort of a laugh. She managed to convince Reiner to put his ID to ‘good use’ (her words, not mine) and buy me a drink. Despite what Sasha thought, I _did_ have a beer or two beforehand it just wasn’t really doing much.

I watched as Reiner strolled up to the bar and ordered several drinks. The bar staff were meant to ensure that drinks weren’t being bought for minors but none of them seemed to care all that much. Reiner sauntered back over to us with several cups in his arms. They looked in danger of being squashed in his beefy arms. He quickly distributed the drinks.

“Here, drink this.” Reiner said as he handed me a plastic cup of something.

“What’s”-

“Just drink it.” He said. He didn’t wait to see my reaction as he downed whatever was in his own cup and grabbed Bertholdt to drag him onto the dance floor.

By now I had learnt that drinks from Reiner lead to _bad things_ but I was desperate and this place was making me wish I hadn’t come.

I found myself a seat which wasn’t occupied by people snogging or on the verge of barfing and ran my finger around the rim of the plastic cup.

I watched the dancers moving to the thrumming bass line. Reiner and Bertholdt hadn’t gone far and Reiner was having far too much fun grinding against Bert.

Once upon a time they would have been beaten up for that sort of behaviour but Reiner beat a guy up once for calling them fags and, well, due to Levi’s strict rules against discrimination, Reiner wasn’t the one to end up with a suspension. That was what spurred me to come out to Connie and Sasha in the end. Some people still gave them dirty looks but nobody dared say anything.

I continued to look across the dance floor. I saw some girls from ukulele club dancing with some year twelves I didn’t recognise, various people from my classes were dotted around, and just off centre was a group made up of the rest of my friends. They looked like they were having fun, and why wouldn’t they be? Sasha was trying to get the rest of the girls to jump along with her; Connie seemed to be trying to talk to Eren about something as he busted a move; Ymir was leading Christa away from the crowd and Armin was swaying on the sidelines as he sang along to the songs playing.

My eyes continued to drift, unable to focus on what I was missing out on for too long. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Marco standing by himself, turning around slowly as if he was searching for something.

Or someone.

His eyes locked with mine and something in my stomach spiked. I took another look at the drink in my hand, then to Marco walking over, and before I knew it I was downing the drink. I’m not going to lie, it was absolutely foul, like acid slipping down my throat.

“Hey Jean.” The way he said my name was like a purr.

“Hey yourself, h-how you doing?” I wanted to be able to smooth-talk like he did but the words still kept tumbling as they passed over my tongue. I felt like I was missing my cue in a song and the music kept looping but I just couldn’t get my timing right.

He smiled as he sat next to me. He slumped a bit so our sides were touching and I felt a spark of electricity pass through his arm to mine.

“I’m fine.” He replied, He tried to blow his fringe out of his face but his hair was stuck to his face and slick with sweat. He turned to me with a look of innocence on his face but there was a fiendish glint in his eyes that caused the butterflies in my stomach to coil into a whirlwind. “But there’s something I want.”

“Uh, what is it?” My mouth was suddenly dry. I licked my lips nervously and tried to pretend I didn’t see his eyes flicker down to my lips. He was all smiles and purring voice and if there was something he wanted that I could give him, I would without a second thought.

“I want to dance with you.” He said and he punctuated the ‘you’ with a prod to my chest. “You look lonely over here, dancing should cheer you up.”

“Uh, uhm, I, uh.” I stuttered, still missing my cue, but Marco was already on his feet.

“Just take my hand Jean.” He said. The corners of his eyes crinkled as his smile grew.

There was no way I could say no to that face.

I took his hand and he whisked me away to the dance floor. A part of me was worried people would be looking at me, staring at me, at _us_ , but Marco squeezed my hand as he lead me through the sea of people bumping around. Their movements were both fluid and erratic at the same time and I felt like I would’ve got drowned in the movement if not for Marco’s hand acting as a lifeline.

We found a space on the dance floor and Marco twirled me around to stop me from walking into him, the smile still lighting up his face in the dim room.

I can’t remember the songs that played as we danced together. The songs blurred into the way his hips moved and the flash of his grin.

We moved closer without thinking like there was a magnetic force pulling us together. His arms were around my neck and my hands were on his hips as they moved against mine.

I know it’s cheesy but it really felt like we were the only people in the room, the only two souls in existence. We were in synch and it felt like we were moving as one.

I somehow wanted more than this. I wanted to get to the point where we’d stop being in harmony and suddenly be in unison. No longer in thirds with each other but just one note ringing out above the noise of the world around us.

I wanted more. I couldn’t get enough. I couldn’t get enough of his smell, of his body against mine. I couldn’t get enough of him.

The intimacy was intoxicating. I was reminded of how close I’d been to kissing him just a couple of months ago and here he was so close to me again.

So close and yet still so far out of my reach.

It was too much for me.

The proximity was making me dizzy and I the air wasn’t moving into my lungs like it was meant to. My heartbeat was thrumming in my ears and I needed to take a breather.

“Hey, you okay?” Marco murmured into my ear, his breath prickling across my hot skin.

“I need to get some water, I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be waiting.” He said it like a promise.

The way to the bar seemed to take an eternity. Dancers jostled me on every side and I felt lost without my lifeline. The room also seemed to get colder the closer to the bar I got, or the further away I got from Marco.

The fog in my mind cleared as I ordered some water and my breathing was getting easier. My heart took a little longer to settle.

I gulped down the water and prepared myself to push through the tide of dancers again when I saw someone familiar on the other side of the dance floor.

It was Marco and he wasn’t alone.

He was sat with Mina and I couldn’t see his face but I could guess what his expression would be. He must have been doing that suave shit he always did for the ladies.

My stomach was feeling sick just watching them but I couldn’t look away no matter how much it was killing me.

She was touching his shoulder. He seemed to move back a fraction but then her face met his.

Oh _hell_ no.

I threw a hand over my mouth and walked away. I wanted to run. I wanted to run away to a place where Marco Bodt didn’t exist, a place where he couldn’t cause the sharp pain stabbing into my chest. To a place where I would be free from him.

Such a place didn’t exist.

I should have expected this to happen. I _knew_ this would happen. I knew it yet _how could he?_

I ended up outside in the cold where each breath in was like icy hands clawing at my insides and every breath out formed a heavy cloud in the air. I wished I could stop breathing, just for a little while. There wasn’t even a single star shining in the sky to distract me with its innocent beauty. The sky was heavy with thick clouds making it seem impossibly darker still.

Thankfully though, outside was far quieter. The club the sixth form had chosen was one of the more out of the way joints to reduce any possible interactions with the wider public. We wouldn’t want to damage our school image after all.

I wasn’t the only loser stuck out in the car park in the cold. Connie was half lost in between the bushes, back bent and head forward as he spewed his guts into the vegetation. Sasha was rubbing his back, a mix of concern, pity and despair on her face. I almost felt like joining him.

“Hey,” I said as I approached them, not getting too close in case they saw the shine of tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “What happened?”

Connie tried to stand up and explain but he quickly crumbled and started retching again. Sasha shook her head in disdain, her balance was still slightly off but she seemed to have sobered up since I saw her earlier.

“He challenged Eren to a Jäger bomb drinking contest.” She said “Which was a dumb move seeing as everyone _knows_ Jaeger is best at holding his Jäger.”

“He cheated.” Connie whined as he managed to move slightly more upright with Sasha’s help.

“You’re a sore loser.” Sasha corrected him.

“Shuddup.” Was Connie’s witty retort.

“Can you look after him for a bit?” Sasha asked “I need to find everyone before the taxi gets here.”

“The taxi?” I suddenly realised I had no idea what the time was. The taxi wasn’t meant to arrive until one o’clock and we’d only just got here at ten.

“Yeah, it should be here in like, ten minutes.” She looked at me properly for the first time since I’d come outside. She looked like she wanted to ask me something but thankfully I saw Armin and Mikasa holding up a worse-for-wear Eren.

“Look over there. Aren’t they getting the taxi with us?” I diverted Sasha’s attention. She hesitated for a second but eventually went over to herd our whole sick crew over.

I then remembered the job Sasha had left me with. I wrapped Connie’s arm over my shoulder and led him over to a wall to sit on.

“So how was your night?” I asked. It was to keep him awake more than anything. There was no way I was going to carry him onto the taxi when it arrived.

“Apart from the chundering?” He asked with a snort.

“Yeah, I think I saw enough of that without you needing to go into detail.”

“It was alright, got to shake my booty enough to satisfy me.” He said which made me roll my eyes. “What about you? I saw you getting rather up close and personal with a certain Mr Bodt?”

He gave me a grossly inappropriate nudge, wink and wiggle of his eyebrows.

“Oh piss off Con.” I gave him a shove. He laughed at my response and I smiled along too until I remembered what had happened and then my mouth dropped into a glum line. I didn’t know if I was angry or just plain sad any more. All I knew was that I sure as hell wasn’t happy.

“Oh shit,” Connie said as he noticed the change in the atmosphere. “What happened man?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I huffed.

“Well you know I’m here if you need anything.” He said with a smile contaminated with concern.

“Thanks Con.” I said. We sat there waiting for the taxi to arrive. Connie almost dropped off a couple of times but I managed to keep him conscious.

“Oi, losers!” The cry of Ymir echoed across the car park. She sounded exceptionally pissed. “Get o’er ‘ere”

“Seems we’ve been summoned.” I said as I dragged Connie to his feet. He was a little unsteady but he didn’t need too much support as we staggered over to the taxi. It was a bit like the school mini-bus in size and the driver looked unamused by the group of drunken teenagers wanting to get on board.

“If anybody’s sick in the taxi I’m going to shoot them myself.” Sasha warned everyone before letting people in the taxi. Connie and I still had a way to go before we’d get to the taxi.

After making sure Mikasa safely had Eren on board, Armin came over to help me with Connie.

“Hey Jean,” Armin said as he supported Connie on the other side. “You okay? You look like you haven’t exactly had the best night.”

“I’m fine.” I grunted “How’s Eren? Has he worked things out things with Mikasa yet?”

“Things with Mikasa?” It was obvious by the raising of his eyebrows that the question was unexpected “How did you? Uh, I mean, everything’s fine.”

His strained smile didn’t convince me but we had already reached the taxi and Armin took responsibility for Connie getting on board leaving me with Sasha still waiting outside for someone.

“Who else is left?” I asked.

“Just, uhm, Marco.” She said hesitantly, her eyes darted to my face then back to the door of the club. “Here he comes now.”

True enough, Marco was walking over to us. I had expected him to be in the best of moods after getting off with Mina but his head was bowed and his shoulders were slumped like he was trying to shrink in on himself. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, I still wanted to be his friend, but seeing him again made me sick to my stomach so I got on board without another word. I even forced a sleeping Connie to let me sit by the window so Marco wouldn’t walk right next to me.

If Marco and I had been in unison on the dance floor we definitely weren’t now. The interval between us in this moment was a minor second. We were so close but the dissonance was jarring and it made my head hurt.

Though maybe that was just the alcohol I’d been drinking.

Connie slumped onto my shoulder as Marco climbed on board. I pointedly made an effort to look away from him.

“That’s everyone.” Sasha told the driver before making her own way to the back of the taxi. She affectionately scratched Connie’s head as she went past making him smile in his sleep.

The journey back to school was quiet. Like the calm before the storm or a rest before the next phrase of a song, I knew something else was coming.

“Hey, Marco.” Sasha whispered not so quietly.

“Hey yourself.” Marco replied, a cruel echo of our exchange earlier that night. They were sat in the seats right behind us so I could every word. I wished I could plug my ears but I couldn’t help focusing in on their words.

“So, you and Mina huh?” The dissonance seemed to ring out louder and it felt like it was shattering my heart into pieces. I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t want to think about this.

“What about us?”Marco said. He sounded tired and not just due to sleep deprivation but I couldn’t turn to look at his face to tell how he was feeling.

“So you’re an ‘us’ now?” She pressed. Marco sighed and it sounded as cold as the night outside.

“Yeah,” He said in a small voice “I guess we are.”

I had to stop myself from letting out a scream. I wanted to claw at my face. I wanted to turn around and shout at him but what good would it do? Just because I liked him didn’t mean I could change who he was. He was straight and I was a hopeless case. End of story. Case closed.

“’m sorry.” Connie mumbled with one eye half opened.

“Thanks.” I said as quietly as I could. I still choked on the word but I bit my lip to stop myself from crying right there and then.

We had been so close to getting things back to normal. I desperately wanted to stay friends with Marco, I couldn’t stand to lose him again, but how could I when I felt like this? I wouldn’t be able to stand being so close to him again without even a glimmer of hope of something more.

I was being horribly selfish but sometimes you have to look after yourself before you can be there for anyone else. I knew I’d be putting Marco through the same pain as last time if I ignored him without an explanation but I didn’t have any choice.

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t just play pretend and suffer in silence. Could I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you may know by now that this is loosely based on my life. I ran a ukulele club in my sixth form for a year and so that was the basis for this fic. That doesn't mean this is a true story. A lot of this is pure fiction, I've just used some of my own experiences for inspiration.  
> Any comments would be appreciated and, as always, thanks for reading.
> 
> EDIT: Due to unplanned hiatus I'll try to keep the status updated on my profile just so y'all know I'm still alive :L


	6. A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where Jean keeps needing reminding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I'm not dead

You're always told that habits are difficult to break but no one ever mentions the exceptions to this rule. Some habits fall to pieces just as quickly as you took to make them. No one ever tells you how easy some habits are to break.

Going over to Marco's every Saturday had become a habit but when the first Saturday of the Christmas holiday came around I didn't `catch myself thinking about leaving the house even once.

It was already noon and I was still wrapped up tightly in my duvet. The dim light filtering through my curtains didn't show any promise of a sun hiding on the other side of my bedroom walls and the cold air that bit at my nose didn't encourage me to leave my nest of warmth.

Would Marco notice if I didn't turn up today? Would he care? Or would he shrug it off and go call on Mina instead?

The thought of Marco turning to Mina due to my actions made my chest clench. It wasn't enough to change my mind though.

I'd dutifully ignored both Marco's attempts to talk to me and the terrible twosomes' efforts to offer me their concern yesterday. The days after socials were always quieter and tinged with regret and now I personally understood why. It's funny how much a single night could change the dynamics between people.

With no plan, or desire, to get up I ended up drifting back to sleep. It was a terrible idea as, when I eventually woke back up again, I found myself feeling even worse than before. My door opened and a concerned mother appeared in the doorway. It must have been her knocking that had eventually managed to wake me up.

“Hey Jean, are you alright?”

“’m fine.” I mumbled still slightly caught in that place between consciousness and dreams.

“It's almost two o'clock, are you not going out this afternoon?” She asked with concern. I mumbled something and then rolled over to face the wall. I didn't want to talk about it.

I heard mum walk over and I felt the mattress shifting as she sat down next to me.

“Are you feeling alright?” She asked as she moved my covers out of the way to find my forehead. She pressed the back of her hand against it. “You feel a bit hot.”

“I said I'm fine” I repeated. I turned back round to face her. "I'm just feeling lazy. First day of the holidays 'n all.”

“Okay, but promise me you'll get up before dinner." She said as she got to her feet again. “I won't have my son bedridden by his own sheer laziness all through the Christmas holidays.”

“Ooh that's sounds great, thanks for the idea.” I gave her a cheeky grin and she rolled her eyes. The return of my sarcasm seeming to convince her enough of my wellbeing. She carefully closed the door behind her with a soft click.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t difficult to keep myself busy during the days that followed. There was Christmas shopping to do, family to see and not to mention revision for the mock exams in January to get bogged down in.

Marco tried to get through to me but I either sent him one word replies or just straight up ignored him. It was selfish, unkind and downright rude but I’ll be damned if I didn’t admit how easy it was. At least, easier than facing him and all the thoughts and feelings that it involved.

I was being cowardly. That was the real root of the problem. It was eating me up from the inside too, turning my insides dark and hollow. I hated this fear that stuck to my lungs.

I needed to just thrust myself into the world and hope for the best. That wouldn’t be so hard right? But it would be hard. Sometimes letting your world shrink was almost impossible to avoid. At least, without help that is.

 

* * *

 

“Has your family got any plans for new year’s eve Connie?” My mother asked one day when Connie had come round to poke me out of bed to play video games.

“Well, uh,” Connie seemed unusually uneasy at the question “My parents are going away for the night to visit my aunt and well, I was planning on maybe having a, uh, little get together while they were gone.”

“Ah,” My mother nodded knowingly. “Your parents don’t want you having a party.”

“It won’t be a party per”-

“I’d advise you to not make a mess Connie.” My mother recommended gravely before brightening her tone. “That sorts out Jeanbo’s plans then!”

“Mum I”-

“Excellent!” She said, and with that she left the room with a smile.

A beat of silence echoed after she left before Connie let out a heavy sigh.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” Connie said, his eyes averted. “Though I’m sure Sasha would love to see you, not to mention everyone else, despite how grumpy you’ve been.”

Another beat, slightly longer and heavier than the last.

“Maybe.” I said “I’ll think about it.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t think too hard this time.” Connie said. “It’s meant to be the holidays after all.”

“Yeah, I just, I don’t know.” I shrugged “I’ve been struggling with things I guess.”

“Well I don’t know if it’s got through your thick skull but I am your friend Jean.” Connie paused the game to make me give him my full attention. “If you need to talk, if you need, well, anything, let me know, okay?”

“Connie I’m fine, I just”-

“I’m just telling you I’m here if you need me. That’s all. Sash too probably.”

He stared me down as if daring me to try and argue with him. Of _course_ I knew he was my friend but some things are difficult to explain. I’d like to honest but where would I start? How much did he already know?

“Thanks Con.” I said eventually. It was a weak reply but it seemed to be enough for him.

“No problem.” He said before ruffling my hair and resuming the game.

 

* * *

 

Seeing as the last party I went to was nothing short of a disaster I was feeling a little bit antsy while I sat in the car on my way to the next one. My dad drove in silence as usual. He always gets weirdly focused whenever he drives so there was no way I could ask him to help comfort my nerves.

“I’ll see you later,” he said when we arrived at Connie’s house. “Get home safe.”

He gave me a wave and then disappeared down the road. I spent a moment appreciating the quiet that was left behind. I was early so I could allow myself a second to stargaze. I could see Cassiopeia high in the sky and I could just about see the big dipper above the houses. 

I couldn’t stare up at the sky forever so, despite still being a good ten minutes early for no good reason, I decided to get this over with. I knocked perhaps a little too tentatively on the door but Connie must have been waiting eagerly for his guests to arrive as he opened up the door within seconds of my knocking.

“Jean!” He cheered with a big grin. We stood there awkwardly for a second and then Connie remembered how to be a host. “Please, come in!”

“Thanks.” I said. I took off my shoes and coat and then Connie lead me into the living room.

“I’ll get the music started then.”

Sasha arrived next and she was really happy to see me which was a bit overwhelming but also really nice. Everyone else arrived in due time and the party was going okay. I had a couple of beers but I tried to pace myself for once despite Reiner’s attempts to ply me with drinks again.

I felt comfortable, happy even. It was nice for a while.

It wasn’t quite so nice when I happened to overhear Sasha lamenting over the fact that Marco wasn't able to come because he was spending the night with his family. I hadn’t forgotten about him as such, I had just managed to get to a place where I wasn’t thinking about him and then suddenly he was thrust back into my consciousness. The beer I was drinking suddenly tasted sour and my stomach twisted uncomfortably. I excused myself and went out into the back garden for some fresh air to clear my head. I set off the motion sensitive garden light when I stepped outside which helped me find the bench to sit down on.

It was horribly cold outside and I could see each ragged breath out as a cloud in the air. I couldn’t believe I was still being affected this badly. I was sure I had numbed my heart to these feelings but clearly I had been so very, very wrong.

 The sky had clouded over so I couldn’t stargaze to distract myself. It really was cold. I felt the pinprick of goose bumps trailing up my arms. I could still hear the chatter and music blaring inside and I should have gone back inside already but I was feeling stubborn. I felt the need to punish myself for some reason. For failing to be the friend Marco deserved? For falling for him? Mainly I think I was just annoyed at how I’d managed to fool myself into believing I ever even had a chance. Obviously I knew he was straight but now it was being shoved right in my face it was impossible to consider him ever returning my feelings even in idle daydreams.

I sat there for so long the light turned off but I couldn’t even be bothered enough to move to get it to turn back on.

I jumped a little when the door opened next to me and the light suddenly turned on again practically blinding me. When my eyes readjusted I saw Armin’s face peeking out behind the door. When he spotted me he stepped outside to join me. Wrapping his arms around himself, he sat down as the cold night’s air seeped through his clothes.

“Hey.” He said, failing to hide the chatter of his teeth. I nodded to acknowledge the greeting. “You alright? Sasha told me you’d gone out looking a bit down.”

“I’m fine.” I replied a bit too quickly. “I just, uh, needed some air.”

“Fair.” He said. He didn’t make a move to leave so I assumed he hadn’t come out just to hear me lie about being fine.

“It’s a shame about Marco, isn’t it?” He said. I had to stop a frown immediately forming at his words. “I mean I guess it’s fair to spend the holidays with family but I know you two had been getting along again so it would’ve been nice for you to see him.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not too bothered to be honest.” I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. Not an easy task.

“Hmm?” he pressed “Why’s that?”

“Just, y’know...”

“He’s no longer single?” Armin asked, still the picture of innocence.

“What? No, that’s got nothing to do with it I just”-

“Jean, relax,” He squeezed me arm “I know.”

“You-?” It took me a couple of seconds to process what he just said. “You know? Know what? I don’t know what you mean.”

“Jean, c’mon.” He poked me in the ribs, a move he must’ve learnt from Jaeger.

“Who told you?” I asked, immediately feeling defensive and suspicious. Armin’s face softened in sympathy.

“Eren told me.” He said. I’d guessed as such but if Eren had told him that meant he knew just about everything about my situation. I sighed and rubbed at my tired eyes.

“Has he sorted things out with Mikasa yet?” I asked in a futile attempt to steer the conversation in a different direction.

“He’s still being as stubborn as ever,” Armin said with a shrug. “Sounds a little like someone else I know.”

“Oi, rude.” I knocked him with my shoulder. Armin let out a small chuckle but a stern look quickly took over his face.

“Seriously Jean, you need to talk this out with Marco properly,” He told me firmly. “He still needs you to be his friend.”

“That’s what Eren said too.” I pouted but Armin didn’t budge.

“Then maybe you should listen to us!” He threw his hands up in the air. “You need to stop being selfish and find out his side of the story, listen to him like he’d do for you.”

“Fine.” I grumbled. He was right of course. Being selfish was a lot less easy when people pointed it out.

“And join in the party Mr grumpy gills!” He pinched me in the ribs and I squeaked. I scowled at him but he just giggled and stuck his tongue out. “Connie invited you over to have fun, you should make the most of the night.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll come back in. Just give me a sec.” Armin scrutinised me for a second and then nodded.

“Okay but if you don’t come back in five minutes I’ll send out a search party.”

“Roger that.” I said with a mock salute. Armin laughed again then gave me a little wave before going back inside.

I took a deep breath in and then slowly released it out. I wanted to put off going inside for a little longer but I also didn’t want any more people to worry about me. I forced myself to stand up before I procrastinated it any more.

The party had mellowed out a bit when I went back inside. People were sitting on the floor with their backs against the sofas rather than actually sitting on them. The countdown was on the TV but people were talking more than they were paying attention to it. I checked the time: there was only quarter of an hour left till midnight. Where had the night gone?

Before I could start to wallow on missing out on most of the night the terrible twosome noticed my return and pounced. I use the term ‘terrible twosome’ in a completely affectionate sense of course.

“Hey Jean!” Sasha said as she tackled me with a hug. “Do you want to join in on our bet?”

“Your what?”

“Don’t be stupid Sash, there’s no way Jean could kiss more people than me!” Connie seemed to find this incredibly hilarious.

“Don’t tell me I can’t do things without explaining what they are first!”

“Okay, okay, chill dudes.” Sasha let go of me and placed a hand on Connie and I’s chests. She then turned her full attention back to me. “The challenge is to see who can kiss the most people at midnight.”

“Like, at the same time?”

“No Jean, you beautiful baby deer.” I scrunched up my face in confusion but she continued on regardless. “It’s whoever can kiss the most people in the minute of midnight.”

“Okay that sounds super dumb.” I said as I crossed my arms.

“I told you it was stupid to ask him,” Connie rolled his eyes but then he grinned a creepily big grin. I didn’t like what that grin implied.

“What is it?” I asked before I could think better of it.

“I just figured out why you wouldn’t want to join in.” He said with a shrug. “Obviously you’re saving your precious lips for a special certain someone.”

“Oh shut up.” I growled. Connie and Sasha started howling with laughter but then they saw I wasn’t joining in and at least had the decency to try and stifle their giggles.

“Sorry Jean, we didn’t mean to”- Sasha began but I raised my hand before she could finish her apology.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” I said then forced a smile onto my face. “So, do you need someone to time the midnight minute for you?”

Connie and Sasha’s bet ended up in a tie. They kissed each other to congratulate themselves or something and then turned to me.

“What is it?” I stupidly asked again before they both leapt at me and kissed me on both cheeks at the same time.

“You two are gross.” I chuckled as they celebrated with a high five.

“You love it.” Sasha said with a ruffle of my hair.

“Maybe, but that doesn’t stop you being gross.” I pointed out.

“Hey don’t talk to her like that!” Connie shouted before tackling me to the ground. They both sat on me until I admitted they were both too beautiful for words and the best friends in the whole world.

“Now get off me I need to walk home!” I grunted.

“You’re walking home?” Sasha asked. She then began to vigorously shake her head. “All the lights have gone out Jean, you can’t go walking out alone you could be kidnapped or killed!”

“Guys I’ll be fine.” I said. “Besides Connie, this is your house, you can’t just leave this lot to look after it. What if your parents come back early or”-

“Don’t try to talk yourself out of it, mister!” Connie said. They both stood up and crossed their arms. They looked like a pair of furious parents.

“Just let them walk you home Jean.” Mikasa said, suddenly by my side. She turned to Connie. “I’ll keep the peace here.”

“That settles it then.” Connie said with a decisive nod. "Now come along Jean, we don't want to keep that beautiful mother of yours waiting."

"Connie why?" I whined as he punctuated his statement with a wink.

"He has a point Connie." Sasha interjected.

"Thank you Sash"-

"I'd really call Mrs Kirschtein drop dead gorgeous." Sasha said with a mischievous grin.

“Guys, please stop.” I moaned as they giggle-snorted at each other.

“Alright, alright.” Connie said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Let’s get you home.”

 

* * *

 

The outside world was so quiet compared to the party we’d just left. The eeriness of the darkened streets without the lights on even made the terrible twosome quieten down.

“It’s so peaceful.” Sasha whispered next to me. Connie and Sasha had decided to take an arm each as they walked me home and so we went through the dim night scape in a row, arm-in-arm.

“It sure is.” I replied. My breath puffed out in a cloud in front of me, I pulled the two of them closer to sap some of their warmth.

“Did you manage to enjoy yourself, Jean?” Connie asked. I turned to look at him put his eyes were glued to the stars above, his mouth slightly agape in drunken awe.

“I did in the end, thanks Connie.” I said with a smile.

“No probert robert.” He tore his eyes away from the sky and grinned at me. I frowned at him confused for moment before realising what he meant.

“You say such shit Connie.” I laughed and he elbowed me in the side.

 

* * *

 

We eventually made it to my house in one piece. Sasha almost got distracted by another party but I managed to steer her back in the right direction. It was more like I walked them home than the other way around.

 I opened the door as quietly as I could, I didn’t want to make the assumption that my parents were still awake. Connie and Sash had sobered up a bit from the cold walk but they had still found something to giggle about and their giggling only increased in volume when I tried to shush them.

“Jean?” My mother’s voice rang out from down the hall. “Is that you dear?”

“Yeah mum, just got back, I’ll be with you as soon as I say goodbye to Con and Sash!” I called back. My reply was followed by a chorus of ‘hellos’ from the trouble twins. Mum popped her head out of the living room door and her face lit up when she saw the two of them standing next to me.

“Happy new year!” She cheered and she then came up to us and planted a kiss on each of our cheeks. “Did you all have fun?”

We all nodded, though some of us more vigorously than others. My mother smiled and her eyes crinkled at the corners. She then began to look a little confused.

“What are you two doing here? Connie, did you leave your own party?”

“Ah, y’see”- Connie rubbed at his neck and began to look a little sheepish under my mum’s gaze.

“We needed to make sure little Jeanbo here got home safely!” Sasha said clasping here hands together and smiling gleefully. “And now we have successfully delivered him we’ll be on our way.”

“That’s very kind of you but I don’t think I can allow you two to go off wandering the streets again at this late hour.” My mother was still smiling but her voice was now firmer. “Why don’t you stay the night? I’ll be sure to drop you both back in the morning.”

I tried to give my mum a pleading look. I love the two dorks, sure, but I was fairly sure I’d already had my fill of them for one night. My mother either didn’t notice or decided to ignore me and so I tried to signal to my friends that they might have outstayed their welcome.

“We’d love to!” They said simultaneously.

They got my message, for sure, but they sure as hell didn’t take it into consideration. I decided to accept my fate and headed up to my bedroom while my mum mentioned hot chocolate. That would at least lighten my mood.

I opened the door to my room and my friends tumbled in behind me and jumped onto my bed.

“Where are you going to sleep Jean?” Sasha asked, getting comfortable on my bed.

“ _I’m_ going to sleep in my bed.” I said as I yanked a cushion from under her head and then hit her in the face.

“You did not just hit me with that pillow Jean Kirschtein.” She looked at me with fire in her eyes as her fingers reached for another pillow. I noticed Connie following suit out of the corner of my eye. I immediately switched to the defensive.

“Hey, hey, let’s not get”-

“Attack!” Sasha yelled and the two of them descended on me wielding their cushioned weapons.

They had the upper hand to begin with but I managed to get in a few hits of my own before my mother knocked on the door.

“I’ve got your hot chocolate!” She sang from the other side of the door. Our pillow war was quickly forgotten as we rushed to receive the hot chocolaty goodness.

“Thank you Mrs Kirschtein.”

“Thanks mum.”

She smiled and then noticed the slightly distressed state of my room.

“I see you two have already made yourselves at home.” She stated with a smile. “I’ll go find you some blankets then you better get yourselves some sleep.”

She came back with blankets and more pillows not long after and I had to dissuade my friends from making a pillow fort at this late hour.

“I’m surprised you two aren’t as exhausted as I am.” I said as they continued to chat up a storm. I finished the last remnants of my hot chocolate, the warmth swirling down into my stomach.

“Well you did have a fairly emotionally exhaustive night I guess.” Connie said. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he had the decency to look a little uncomfortable.

“He’s referring to how you got upset and disappeared by yourself for a significant portion of the night.” Sasha explained pointedly. “Though I guess Armin did join you for a bit.”

“That’s a good point.” Connie piped up again. “What did you and Armin talk about?”

“Oh, uh, nothing important.” I said. It was my turn to look uncomfortable.

“C’mon Jean, spill the beans.” Sasha said. She lay down on her front with her head propped up by her hands, her eyes bore into me.

“I, well, we talked about Marco and like, stuff.” I shrugged, unsure how much to tell them and how much they had already figured out about, well, everything.

“What _about_ Marco?” Connie asked, his pose mirroring Sasha’s.

“I, uh, you guys probably already know but, well, I guess I ought to just tell you straight out.” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Or, uhm, not straight should I say.”

I gave them an awkward looking smile and they both snorted in amusement.

“So, yeah, basically I told him about my crush on Marco?” The two of them didn’t look particularly shocked, unsurprisingly, so I continued. “Well he already knew about that because Eren had told him because I had told Eren and well we just talked about what I should do next and stuff and basically I should just talk to Marco because he’s my friend but, it’s just, it’s just so _hard_ , y’know?”

I took in a deep breath, my lungs struggling to pull the air in and out. This felt like coming out all over again and my whole body felt like jelly.

“Oh hey, Jean, don’t get upset, it’s okay.” Sasha cooed as she moved to sit next to me and put her arm around my waist. Connie came up as well and ruffled my hair.

“Of course we knew Jean but thank you for telling us for yourself.” Connie said as he put his arm in mine and squeezed it reassuringly.

“Thanks guys.” I said, a watery smile on my face. My eyes had gotten a bit misty and I rubbed at them with embarrassment.

“You’re welcome my sweet little flower.” Sasha said, still insisting on using weird pet names. I suppose it wasn’t as bad as her using Jeanbo again. “You should know by now you can tell us anything, we won’t _always_ tease you.”

“Probably.” Connie added with a smirk. I rolled my eyes but I was still smiling.

We sat there hugging it out for a while. I had to admit it had made me feel better to tell them everything even if it would mean more teasing would ensue but that’s how this friendship worked.

“So,” Sasha was the one to break the silence. “Do you think you’ll be able to talk to Marco about things?”

“I’m not sure.” I said with a sigh. “I definitely want to talk to him again but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to actually force myself to tell him any of the things I _want_ to tell him.”

“That’s fair.” Sasha said. “Baby steps, right?”

“Right.” I said. “I’ll try to at least make sure I go back to ukulele next term.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Connie agreed. “We’ll do our best to make you stick to it.”

“Okay.” I said with a slight sniffle. They both patted me on the arm and then fled to their blanket pile on the floor.

“So, uh, seeing as I’ve poured my heart out how ‘bout you guys tell me something?”

“Like what?” Sasha asked, lying on her back with her head tilted back to look up at me.

“Well, let’s see…” I thought for a moment trying to figure out if there was something they could tell me that equalled what I’d told them. Then a light bulb flashed in my mind. “How about you tell me what’s going on with you two?”

They exchanged a look and I had the feeling I was on to something.

“Hah, what about us?” Connie asked with an awkward smile.

“Well, like, are you two together? Like… dating?”

“Uhm y’see…” Connie tried to explain but he floundered trying to find the right words.

“Don’t worry Con, I’ll take this one.” She flipped on to her front to get a better look at me. “The answers are yes and no.”

“You’re together but not dating? So what are you?”

“Sash you’re confusing the poor boy.” Connie said with a giggle.

“We’re queerplatonic partners.” She stated. “I’m way to ace and aro for anything else.”

“Oh okay.” I said.

“You know what that means?” She asked sceptically.

“Well I know what ace an aro is, I’m not an idiot.”

“Could’ve fooled me!” Sasha said with a grin.

“Oi!” I said, resisting the urge to start another pillow fight.

“What about you Con?” I asked, possibly pushing my luck slightly.

“I’m 100% pan.” He said. “And I am 200% queer as shit.”

“Oh.” I said, slightly surprised.

“What?” Connie asked with an amused smile. “Don’t you know us queers are all drawn together?”

“Oh shush.” I chided. I couldn’t resist the urge to throw my pillow this time and so another pillow fight did ensue.

 

* * *

 

We eventually got to sleep at some point in the early hours of the morning. I woke up too early for some reason (ten o’clock counted as early, right?) but I didn’t feel as bad as I expected to. I looked over to see Sash sprawled across the floor in the starfish position, her hand on top of Connie’s face and her mouth open in a quiet snore.

For some reason, knowing they both weren’t straight was comforting. It made me feel less like an outsider which was, well, nice.

I quietly tip-toed across the room and carefully made my way to the kitchen.

Mum was already up as well and she jumped a little when I entered the room. She was making some tea and I happily saw she had already poured me a mug.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you until at least lunchtime.” She said with a laugh. “Though I suppose I ought to get Connie home sooner rather than later.”

“It would probably be a good idea, yeah.” I agreed, moving over to grab my mug. “Though if you can manage to wake them up without using force I’ll be more than a little surprised.”

She hummed in agreement as she put down the teapot. She turned to face me and smiled.

“What?” I asked, a frown forming in suspicion.

“It’s nice to see you looking happy.” She stated. “You haven’t been smiling much this holiday.”

My frown disappeared and I felt my cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

“Well, yeah, Sasha and Connie cheered me up I guess, I dunno.” I mumbled into my mug of tea.

“I’m just glad.” She said. I put my tea down and her smile grew as I opened my arms to her. She hugged me tightly and I finally felt like I could breathe again after weeks of feeling like I was holding my breath.

I felt like maybe, just maybe, things were going to start to turn around.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... I hope you like this?  
> I was working a different fic on ff net and that's basically finished so updates over here should hopefully be more regular (fingers crossed!!!).  
> Anyway, thanks for reading! If you want to keep up with me my snk blog and fandom twitter are both alicealawson :)


	7. A Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where voices are raised in concern

The New Year brings about a feeling of change. Nothing has really changed but there’s still something there that feels different. Change always happens, whether you want it to or not but there are some changes we can take charge of.

After I waved Connie and Sasha goodbye I collapsed into bed and slept a pretty solid eleven hours. I woke up confused and disorientated but somewhere in the fog of my mind a light shone clear and bright.

I stumbled out of bed and felt around in the darkened room for where I’d left my phone. When I found it I was met with a copious amount of notifications but I swiped them to the side and opened up the messenger app before scrolling down to find Marco. It was clogged with a bunch of happy new year messages but scrolled past them to my last message to Marco. Apparently the thing I’d sent was literally just “okay”. No wonder he hadn’t replied.

Swallowing the guilt that lay heavy in my gut I began to type out a message.

_Happy New Year._

It was short and mostly meaningless but it was _something_ and at this rate that was all that mattered. If I wanted anything to change, I’d have to have an active part in it. Having watched to make sure the message had sent I turned my phone off, scavenged some food from the fridge and fell back into bed again. Being active could wait till tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the holiday disappeared before my very eyes. When school started again I continued to keep my distance from Marco but I wasn’t ignoring him anymore. I’d smile at him when we passed each other but I didn’t stop to say hello. If he had noticed that I was avoiding him he didn’t let it show.

My main issue was the way he acted around Mina. He just looked so, well, _uncomfortable._ Seeing him acting so awkward made my stomach churn, at least, that was the excuse I told myself when I decided to skip the ukulele club that first Wednesday back. Connie and Sasha had said they’d make sure I went but I hadn’t dug myself this far into a hole without learning some methods to avoid them too.

He may have been happy to turn a blind eye at my subtler methods of avoidance but Marco did not look happy when I saw him the following day.  He stormed over to me as I sat with Connie and Sasha in the common room during break. The two of them looked surprised to see this unfriendly side of Marco. I’d seen it before but that didn’t make him less intimidating.

He stood there glaring at me with his hands on his hips and I gulped. The friendliest people are always the scariest when angry in my experience.

“H-Hey Marco.” I said with a sheepish grin. “What’s up?”

“I need to talk to you.” He said curtly. I turned to Connie and Sasha with a pleading look but they shook their hands and gestured at me to go with him. They weren’t exactly impressed with my behaviour either.

“Sure, uh, lead the way.” I replied feebly.

He turned on his heel and I followed a step behind.  He led me to one of the classrooms, empty for the break. I stood awkwardly by the door, closing it carefully behind me. It shut with a quiet click.

He walked further into the room with a hand running through his hair and his shoulders bunched up.

“S-So how was you holiday?” The words slipped out from between my lips before I could think them through.

His fingers stopped halfway through their path and fell to his side. He let out a sigh through his teeth, the sound whistling in the empty room.

“I thought you said we were friends again Jean.” I flinched at the sound of his voice, he turned and I had to look away from the intensity in his eyes. “I really believed it too. I thought you enjoyed coming over, I thought you were actually opening up to me again, were you just pretending?”

“I”- He stepped towards me and I felt the air leave my lungs.

“Because, y’know, this whole silent treatment again is getting real old. I thought that text you sent me meant you were over that type of behaviour so imagine my disappointment when you failed to turn up yesterday.”

“Well”- He took another step closer not letting me get a word in edgeways.

“If it’s because you have something against Mina you should just _tell_ me. Ignoring me isn’t helping anyone, not you and not me.”

“But”-

“If it’s somehow because I did something to hurt you and you’re not letting me know, how am I meant to do anything Jean? I can’t change it if I don’t know what the problem is! You have to talk to me!”

His words became more frantic, his eyes tried to search for the answer in my face but I still couldn’t force myself to look him the eye. I wanted to tell him something but what could I say? Where would I start?

“It’s”-

“Or if”-

“Marco please,” I glared up at him as my back came up against the wall behind me. “Would you please let me answer?”

“Oh, uh, yeah of course, I guess I got a bit carried away, huh?” He backed up a step, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m just, frustrated Jean.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. Again I guess, or still or, well, whatever.” I frowned at the words stumbling out of my mouth.

“So then.” His eyebrows raised and his eyes soften with a doe like quality. “What’s up with you?”

I chewed my lip, trying to figure out what to say, and more importantly: how to say it. The truth, though technically preferable, was an absolute no-go. I couldn’t straight up tell him I liked him when a) I’d been practically ignoring him for weeks and b) no matter how much I wanted to deny it he _was_ in a relationship and I would not be the guy to potentially fuck that up for Marco no matter how much I disliked the relationship.

So what exactly _could_ I tell him? He was still waiting patiently for an answer which I was grateful for but I’d already worn his patience so thin who knew how long that would last.

Was there some kind of half-truth I could give him? I didn’t want to lie to him but even more so I didn’t want to make this any more confusing for him than it already was.

“I can’t… I can’t tell you.” I winced as the words slipped through my lips. Marco sighed, the weight of the air coming out of his lungs pushing him away from me.

“If you don’t want to tell me just say so but don’t tell me you “can’t” Jean, don’t give me such a pathetic excuse. I can handle it, you don’t need to try and pacify me.”

“It’s not like that!” I exclaimed. He didn’t seem to buy it but some of the hurt seemed to leave his eyes. “I just, I can’t tell you, not _now_ at least, I will but just, please give me some time, please?”

“But if it’s something I’ve done”-

“Marco, I’m sorry I can’t tell you but this isn’t really about you.” I had to resist the urge to get down on my knees and beg him not to hate me. The conviction of my words was already fading but I persevered. Well, it is about you but it’s not your fault it’s just something I need to work through on my own.” He still didn’t seem quite satisfied. I braced myself for more of his anger but his next question was softer and more one of concern than his earlier frustrations.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?” He was practically pouting. Goddammit this was unfair.

“Yeah it is, sorry I’ve been so shitty to you.” One more apology wasn’t enough to pull us back together but I couldn’t help but to keep trying to find a tempo that would work for both of us.

“If you’re struggling to work through something I can understand even if I don’t like it.”

“Thanks.” I smiled weakly at him and he smiled back without hesitation. I’d have to make this up to him somehow, someday.

I thought I was off the hook and was about to make my excuses and leave but Marco piped up again.

“You can ignore me all you want but you still have to go to ukulele club, it’s compulsory and I don’t want to have to keep covering for you. Ms Ral is going to find out eventually and I don’t want either of us to get on her bad side.” He shot me a serious look and I nodded feebly before realising something.

“Wait, you’ve been covering for me?” I squinted at him.

“I didn’t want you to get in trouble or kicked out or something…” He looked away from me and I laughed.

“You’re such a dweeb.” I said before grabbing him and giving him a noogie. He let out a yelp of surprise and flailed before I let him go. I laughed again as he tried to sort out his ruffled hair and he chuckled a little too.

“What was that for?” He asked with a laugh. His face was flushed and his hair was still sticking out a bit wildly. He looked so cute it should have been illegal. I could feel a blush creeping up my neck so I mumbled a reply with a shrug and then turned to leave.

Marco followed suit and we started to retrace our steps back to the common room.

“Before class starts I need to know where the boundary lies, do you not want me to try to talk to you at all or?” I noticed he was playing with the cuff of his shirt nervously but he was still looking at me expectantly. “I just don’t want to hinder you processing stuff if it means having to wait longer for you to talk to me about things.”

“Thanks man.” I smiled but then frowned as I tried to figure out the answer “I mean like, don’t go out of your way to avoid me for my sake, I’ll try to do the same as well, but like, don’t try and push me to talk to you if I’m not up for it I guess? I just need some space really.”

“Okay.” He pursed his lips in thought as we rounded the corridor to the sixth form building. “I’ll try my best.”

“You seem to really know your stuff about going about this sort of thing, you never cease to amaze me at how caring you can be.” I didn’t really mean anything by it but when Marco spluttered I realised what I said was a bit much. “I mean uh”-

“No it’s fine.” He said, waving away my concern. We’d made our way back to the doors to the common room and Marco stopped in his tracks as he tried to explain himself. “I’ve been reading up a lot on relationship stuff since getting together with Mina. I don’t want to mess it up because we aren’t communicating well enough. I think it might be because I worry that’s why our friendship got so messed up so I’ve been working hard on trying to be as open and honest as possible… if that makes sense.”

I stared at him blankly for a sec, part awe, part regret. He shifted in place as I didn’t respond.

“I know it sounds silly but I think it’s been helping. it’s not exactly easy but I think it’s worth trying, don’t you?”

I opened my mouth to reply something but the bell rang signalling the end of break.

“Ah, uh, yeah.” I replied meekly. “Well, see you around I guess.”

“See you next Wednesday for sure!” Marco said, pointing finger-guns at me as he left. I rolled my eyes at him and went to find Connie and Sasha to head to the science block with.

I felt better for having talked to him. Everyone had been telling me to talk to him so it was only natural they were right. I still felt guilt root itself deep in my stomach for not telling him the truth, especially after what he said about lack of communication being the reason our friendship has been so strained but he seemed to understand and that eased the pain a little. All that was left now was to process this just like I said I needed to and find a way to get through it one way or another. I didn’t want us to reach yet another breaking point, I didn’t want to be the reason Marco was angry or upset again. It was going to be tough but I looked at the concerned faces of Connie and Sasha greet me and I knew I could get by if I had them by my side and Marco’s support.

 

* * *

“Marco…” Sasha whined as her fingers struggled to keep up with what she wanted them to do.

“What’s up Sasha?” Marco strode over to her from the other side of the room where he’d been checking in with how Christa was doing. I looked around the incoming Marco to see Ymir shooting a dirty look at Mina who’d been glaring at Christa for asking Marco for assistance. It was a mess to be honest but Christa was doing a fairly good job of placating Ymir and ignoring Mina. It had been this way for the last couple of sessions and there was no sign that things were going to get better.

To be fair, I couldn’t really blame Mina for being jealous. Marco was so amazing anyone would be lucky to have him but it didn’t make it any less uncomfortable for everyone else.

Christa had convinced Ymir to stop caring about Mina and in her attempt to not look in Mina’s direction Ymir caught my eye. She rolled her eyes and I nodded in sympathy.

I didn’t really know Ymir as well as I ought to. Her and Christa were kind of the people in our friendship group who I wasn’t really friends with. I didn’t dislike them at all I just didn’t really know them. Ymir seemed cool and she seemed to get on well with Connie. Christa was friendly enough and always offered me a smile when she saw me. Even so, if someone asked me about them I’d have no idea what more I could tell them beyond their physical traits.

Christa noticed who Ymir was sharing looks with and flashed me a smile. Ymir looked between us cautiously but Christa giggled and whispered something into her ear. I carried on watching with increasing alarm which turned to a blush flaring up over my face when Ymir’s eyes darted between me and Marco as a look of understanding and almost menacing glee. How did they know? Had Connie or Sasha or Eren or…. I’d lost track of who knew and who didn’t at this point. It wouldn’t have surprised me if everyone knew except for Marco at this point. He didn’t need to know. it wouldn’t benefit him if he knew.

“Hey Jean,” As If he could hear me thinking about him he stood before me, a soft smile gracing his face. “You managing these new chords alright?”

“Yeah I think I’ve got it.” I hadn’t really been paying attention so when I tried to show him I ended up staring blankly at the ukulele in my hands. “Uh, I’m fine honestly.”

“You don’t have to find everything easy Jean.” He crouched down in front of me and guided my fingers to the right place on the frets. “There’s no shame in asking for help.”

He smiled at me again before he stood up. This smile had a hint of something else hidden underneath but I wasn’t able to decipher it before it disappeared.

“Uh, thanks.”

He nodded and moved back to his seat. Mina immediately had her hands on his arm telling him something, I didn’t really care enough to listen. I did, however, notice the way Marco shifted his arm to subtly remove her hands from his person. That wasn’t a good sign.

I continued to notice instances of Marco carefully avoiding physical contact from Mina throughout the session. With all his talk of communicating and “reading about relationship stuff” I’d have thought if Marco was having an issue with it because he didn’t like pda or something he’d have told her. This situation felt very un-Marco. The overwhelming wrongness came to a head at the end when everyone was making their goodbyes and Marco turned his head when Mina tried to kiss him, her lips landing on her cheek instead of meeting his lips.

“Cold blooded.” Connie muttered next to me as we were packing up our stuff.

“That didn’t last long.” Sasha commented. I gave her a quizzical look. “I’m saying their relationship is swan-diving off a cliff, Jean.”

I made a non-committal noise which Sasha took as agreement.

We were heading through the door when Sasha elbowed me in the side and motioned back towards Marco. I frowned at her and she sighed.

“You should talk to him.” She hissed shoving back into the room.

“Sasha why should I”-

“See you later Jean!” Connie waved as the two of them scampered away. I frowned after them but didn’t follow, accepting my fate. I’d just about got into their good books after skipping ukulele at the beginning of term, if I went after them without talking to Marco I’d be back at square one again.

“Jean?” I whipped around at Marco’s words. He quirked an eyebrow and I took in a steadying breath, putting aside the fact that we were alone in the room again (because it went _so_ well last time). I was here to see how he was doing, not the other way around. This was not the time to be flustered or distracted.

“Oh, hey, uh, how’s it going?” I asked in an attempt to be nonchalant as I leaned on one of the desks, totally casually. Totally.

“You’ve been in the same room as me for the last hour. You tell me.” He folded his arms and sat on the edge of the desk opposite me.

“I just wanted to check how you were doing Marco.” He raised an eyebrow, entirely unimpressed. “So, uh, how _are_ you doing?”

“Jean if you’re going to beat around the bush you’ve got to at least give me some context.” He shook his head with an amused smirk. I scratched at the hair of my undercut at the back of my head. It needed cutting, it was beginning to get too long. After a beat too long without me saying anything, Marco began to get concerned. His brow creased and his voice softened. “Is there something you’re worried about? You know I’m here to listen if you need someone to talk to, right?”

“Yeah I know.” I sighed as I braced myself for what I was about to say. “It’s actually _you_ I’m worried about.”

“Me?” He squeaked, the pitch of his voice skyrocketed and I almost had to wince. He coughed before continuing, his voice back to a pitch more acceptable for human hearing. “I’m fine! What are you worried about, huh?”

“It’s not so much you as much as, well…” I pushed myself off the desk and gesticulated as my words failed me but Marco failed to grasp what I was trying to say. I stumbled over my words a little longer before managed to splutter out something comprehensible. “It’s, uh, well it’s… Mina.”

“It’s… Mina.” Distrust permeated his voice, his mouth pursed in annoyance. “I know you don’t like her Jean but it’s not really your business, is it?”

I fish-mouthed for a second, taken aback by his defensiveness. I was well practiced in putting up walls between myself and everyone around me but Marco was always the type of person to carefully remove those walls brick-by-brick, not build his own. If I wasn’t worried before I definitely was now. Seeing him act like this was horribly unsettling.

“It…” I stumbled at the icy look in his eyes but ploughed on. “It _is_ my business. I, I care about you and your relationship with Mina it’s… It’s unhealthy!”

“What?” Another bolt of anger, another line of defences.

“You clearly don’t like her! You keep pushing her away and you’re obviously uncomfortable around her.” I stalked over to him and glared down at him, daring him to deny it.

“What do you know?” He snapped, jumping to his feet and glaring back at me. “What do you know about healthy relationships? You’re telling me you care for me but you haven’t exactly been showing it have you Jean?”

“Hey this isn’t about me.”

“Are you sure Jean?” Another wall loomed between us, threatening to shut Marco off from me completely. “Isn’t everything _always_ about you? I want to give you your space but when I do you start poking your nose in my business!”

“Hey that isn’t fair Marco! I’m trying to help you!”

“Help me?” His eyes that had been ice were now on fire. He stared at me. I gulped waiting for him to continue but the heat from his flames never came. I watched as the inferno dwindled and died and the walls came tumbling down. He turned away from me, his arms coming up to hold himself. I picked my way through the scattered remains of his walls, with the stability of them gone I could see Marco’s shoulders begin to shake.

“Marco I didn’t mean to”-

“I’m sorry Jean, it’s not your fault I just…” He sighed, his lungs rattling as they deflated. Marco himself also seemed to deflate, the pressure that had built up dissipating from within him. He turned to me and I saw his eyes shining and damp. “Things aren’t going well with me and Mina. I don’t think it was going well from the start honestly.”

“Why did you agree to go out with her in the first place then?”

“I don’t know, I just, she liked me a lot and I didn’t want to upset her or let her down, I thought I could make it work, y’know?” He sniffled and I tentatively wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “She’s nice but I just don’t like her the way she likes me. I hoped she’d get bored of me and just break up with me but she just keeps trying. Bless her, she tried so hard and I gave her nothing in return.”

“Hey, shh, it’s okay Marco.” I rubbed my thumb up and down to try and sooth him. It was hard hearing him talk about Mina like this but he was hurting and I wanted to help him. It was about time I started acting like his friend after all. “But if things are so bad stringing her along isn’t fair to either of you.”

“I know, it’s just, I don’t want to be the source of her pain. I don’t want to do that to a person.” He rubbed at his face, the blotchy skin sticking to his palms. “Ugh, I’m such a mess. Sorry about this Jean.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise to me for.” I carefully removed myself from him as he drew in a deep breath. “Have you tried talking to Mina about any of this?”

“I can’t just up and tell her I don’t like her, Jean!” His words were spiked with frustration but he shoved me with a lopsided grin, an exasperated laugh escaping him. He wiped at his face one last time before standing up, his shoulders squared. “I know I should break up with her but I don’t think I can work myself up to do it just yet.”

“Fair enough, break ups are never easy.”

“Well that just _fills_ me with confidence.”

“Hey, just telling you the truth.” I shrugged and stood up next to him. I squeezed his shoulder and smiled.

“Thanks Jean, I know this conversation can’t have been much fun for you.”

“I keep telling you it’s fine! It’s not about me!” I wasn’t lying but a thought suddenly crossed my mind “But if you’re that desperate to make it up to me… come round mine this weekend.”

“You want me to make it up to you by putting you out even more? Gee Jean that makes so much sense.”

“I thought it might help take your mind off things!” I crossed my arms defensively. “If you don’t want to come you can just say so.”

He chuckled at the ridiculous pout I was sporting, thankfully he still found my antics amusing more than annoying.

“I’d love to Jean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a while! This chapter was going to be longer but I figured 4k was enough and at this point I was just procrastinating more than anything. If you want to be kept updated about my progress you're best off following me [twitter](twitter.com/mattiealawson)  
> This chapter is dedicated to [InkyKinky](http://archiveofourown.org/users/InkyKinky) who has been very supportive of me and if you haven't seen I commissioned them to draw a scene from the last chapter and it is [beautiful](https://inky-thoughts.tumblr.com/post/137803750040/commission-for-alicealawson-and-their-gorgeous-fic) and I am ever so grateful to her.   
> When will I update next? If I manage to get a draft of my dissertation in on time I'd like to participate in NaNoWriMo in order to get a decent chunk of this written but I will update this plan on twitter and on my profile her on ao3.  
> Thanks for reading, it means a lot to me!


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